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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Dad Delivers State Of The Union Rebuttal Directly Into Television Screen

PHILADELPHIA—Reiterating numerous themes from last year’s rebuttal while offering several searing critiques of tonight’s speech, area dad Bill Shaw delivered his official response to President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address tonight directly into the television screen, household sources reported. “Well, there you go, folks—same canned lines we’ve been hearing for the last two years with a couple of empty nods to the little guy, just how I said it would be,” the area father of two said, squaring his body toward the front of the family room and looking directly into the television set as he delivered his impassioned thoughts on the issues of immigration, health care, the middle class, China, that holier-than-thou look Obama always has on his face, and the Toyota Prius. “Country’s a goddamn mess, and this is the explanation we get. Complete load of horseshit.” At press time, sources reported that although Shaw avoided major gaffes and missteps, the speech nevertheless fell short of the 2009 joint rebuttal delivered by Grandpa and Uncle Dan.

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