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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Dad Finally Found In Front Of TVs At Sears

MENTOR, OH–A 24-minute, 10-store dadhunt came to an end Monday, when area father Warren Osmund was found in front of the wall of TV sets in the electronics department of Sears at Great Lakes Mall. "We looked everywhere," said relieved wife Harriet Osmund, who became alarmed when Warren failed to rendezvous with her and daughters Kelly and Erika at 3 p.m. at the lower-level JCPenney entrance. "I checked Ritz Camera and Gander Mountain, Kelly checked Babbage's and Champs Sports, and Erika checked the food court, but he wasn't anywhere. I'm just glad we found him safe and sound." Warren said he was never in any physical danger, explaining that he was "just killing time watching the Indians game while the gals looked for shoes."

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