After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Dad Frees Up Entire Day To Spend On Quality Father-Grill Bonding Time

MADISON, WI—Saying he’d been meaning to set aside this kind of time for a while now, local father Gary Plumber told reporters Tuesday that he had freed up the entire day to spend on some quality father-grill bonding. “No mowing the lawn or oil changes today—I’ve cleared my whole schedule so you and I can really spend some time together,” said Plumber of the forest green 22-inch charcoal kettle grill, which he reportedly sees mostly on holidays and some scattered weekends during the summer, but certainly not as regularly as he’d like. “I’ve put it off for way too long, but this will be a great day for the two of us to reconnect. I even went out and bought some juicy rib-eyes for the occasion.” At press time, Plumber was squirting lighter fluid over a layer of briquettes and was suddenly moved to tears as he remembered the day he brought the grill home from the hardware store.

For the man who spends hours laboring over the perfect barbecue, give him Dewar’s 12 Year Old Blended Scotch Whisky, finely crafted and still double aged for extra smoothness.

After Birth

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