adBlockCheck

Recent News

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dad From 2150 Can’t Get Enough Iraq War Documentaries

NEW CHICAGO—Citing his long-held enthusiasm for military history, mid-22nd-century father Myron Orkney confirmed Thursday that he eagerly watches Iraq War documentaries as often as he can. “I just saw the most fascinating holovid on the Second Battle of Fallujah the other day, and just last week there was this great three-part profile on General Tommy Franks that I watched in one sitting,” said the 58-year-old father of two, who noted that he also owns a box set of nine neocortex insertion discs that chronicle the long-ago conflict in depth using archival photographs and actual letters from soldiers on the front lines. “It certainly was a different time back then. Not only did they have troops who were actually physically on site during battles, but a lot of those guys went into combat without limb-regeneration technologies or even body armor. Can you imagine that? One of these days I’m going to take the whole family to the Holy Islamic Caliphate of Iraq so we can tour all the historic battle sites.” Orkney added that although he could happily sit and view a whole weekend of documentaries on the early 21st-century conflict, he does not enjoy any of the popular romantic period dramas set during the quaint, old-fashioned Iraq War era that his wife loves.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close