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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Dad From 2150 Can’t Get Enough Iraq War Documentaries

NEW CHICAGO—Citing his long-held enthusiasm for military history, mid-22nd-century father Myron Orkney confirmed Thursday that he eagerly watches Iraq War documentaries as often as he can. “I just saw the most fascinating holovid on the Second Battle of Fallujah the other day, and just last week there was this great three-part profile on General Tommy Franks that I watched in one sitting,” said the 58-year-old father of two, who noted that he also owns a box set of nine neocortex insertion discs that chronicle the long-ago conflict in depth using archival photographs and actual letters from soldiers on the front lines. “It certainly was a different time back then. Not only did they have troops who were actually physically on site during battles, but a lot of those guys went into combat without limb-regeneration technologies or even body armor. Can you imagine that? One of these days I’m going to take the whole family to the Holy Islamic Caliphate of Iraq so we can tour all the historic battle sites.” Orkney added that although he could happily sit and view a whole weekend of documentaries on the early 21st-century conflict, he does not enjoy any of the popular romantic period dramas set during the quaint, old-fashioned Iraq War era that his wife loves.

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Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

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