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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Dad From 2150 Can’t Get Enough Iraq War Documentaries

NEW CHICAGO—Citing his long-held enthusiasm for military history, mid-22nd-century father Myron Orkney confirmed Thursday that he eagerly watches Iraq War documentaries as often as he can. “I just saw the most fascinating holovid on the Second Battle of Fallujah the other day, and just last week there was this great three-part profile on General Tommy Franks that I watched in one sitting,” said the 58-year-old father of two, who noted that he also owns a box set of nine neocortex insertion discs that chronicle the long-ago conflict in depth using archival photographs and actual letters from soldiers on the front lines. “It certainly was a different time back then. Not only did they have troops who were actually physically on site during battles, but a lot of those guys went into combat without limb-regeneration technologies or even body armor. Can you imagine that? One of these days I’m going to take the whole family to the Holy Islamic Caliphate of Iraq so we can tour all the historic battle sites.” Orkney added that although he could happily sit and view a whole weekend of documentaries on the early 21st-century conflict, he does not enjoy any of the popular romantic period dramas set during the quaint, old-fashioned Iraq War era that his wife loves.

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