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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Dad Hands Phone Off To Mom Immediately After Being Wished Happy Father’s Day

WILLOUGHBY, OH—Allowing no window whatsoever for additional conversation to take place, the father of local man Luke Asbury reportedly handed off the phone to Luke’s mother on Sunday immediately after his son wished him a happy Father’s Day. “Wow, he didn’t waste any time—he just said thanks, told me Mom was there if I wanted to speak to her, and then got off the line before I could really answer,” said Asbury, 32, who told reporters that while he in no way expected to chat at length, he did anticipate at least having one or two minutes of small talk about whether his father planned to watch any golf that afternoon. “I don’t think we were even on the line together for 30 seconds before he started wrapping things up. In fact, this might’ve been the earliest he’s ever told me he had to get going. I can’t imagine he’ll be able to top that next year.” At press time, Asbury’s mother put the call on speaker so they could all talk, though his father reportedly remained silent except for what sounded like shuffling out of the room with the newspaper.

He might be a man of few words, but he knows good Scotch Whisky when he sees it. Share Dewar’s 12 Year Old Blended Scotch Whisky with Dad this Father’s Day.

After Birth

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