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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Dad Holds Best Buy Salesman's Feet To Fire With Question About HDTV Compatibility

CANTON, OH—Not one to be given the runaround, local dad Mark Shawsky, 56, made sure to really hold a Best Buy sales clerk’s feet to the fire while inquiring about HDTV accessories, sources confirmed Sunday. “The double-shielded wire is going to give me the best resolution, right? So I’m not going to get home and find out this HDMI cord isn’t the right one to hook my TV up to my Blu-ray player?” said Shawsky, decisively demonstrating to all within earshot that he was neither a fool nor some know-nothing off the street who could be taken advantage of. “I’m pretty sure this is the right one, but I want to know if you know. You’re supposed to be the expert. I should get the double-shielded wire, correct?” At press time, sources reported no one—not even Mr. Fancy Blue Shirt—was going to slick-talk Mark Shawsky into a bad purchase.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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