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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Dad Holds Best Buy Salesman's Feet To Fire With Question About HDTV Compatibility

CANTON, OH—Not one to be given the runaround, local dad Mark Shawsky, 56, made sure to really hold a Best Buy sales clerk’s feet to the fire while inquiring about HDTV accessories, sources confirmed Sunday. “The double-shielded wire is going to give me the best resolution, right? So I’m not going to get home and find out this HDMI cord isn’t the right one to hook my TV up to my Blu-ray player?” said Shawsky, decisively demonstrating to all within earshot that he was neither a fool nor some know-nothing off the street who could be taken advantage of. “I’m pretty sure this is the right one, but I want to know if you know. You’re supposed to be the expert. I should get the double-shielded wire, correct?” At press time, sources reported no one—not even Mr. Fancy Blue Shirt—was going to slick-talk Mark Shawsky into a bad purchase.

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