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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Dad Immediately Develops Deep Friendship With Guy Giving Quote On Replacing Windows

QUINCY, MA—Describing how the routine cost estimate rapidly blossomed into something much more, sources confirmed Friday that local dad Mark Geldmaker immediately developed a deep friendship with the guy giving him a quote on replacing his windows. “At first, they were walking through the house discussing whether Dad should spring for double panes, and then all of a sudden they were standing in the middle of the kitchen talking about the kind of gas mileage the guy gets on his truck,” said Geldmaker’s son Cameron, observing how the profound bond that had quickly formed between the 48-year-old father of three and the local contractor intensified as they commiserated about how the city council wasn’t fixing the potholes on Newport Avenue. “Somehow, they ended up out on the back deck, and the guy was complimenting its size and craftsmanship; he seemed really impressed after Dad told him he built it himself. Then Dad recommended a deli nearby, and the guy said he always gets the Reuben there. They wound up talking in the driveway for another 10 minutes before he finally left.” At press time, Geldmaker was heartily recommending the man to his next-door neighbor.

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