Dad Keeps Dropping Hints About Mom's Sexual Proclivities

Top Headlines


Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Dad Keeps Dropping Hints About Mom's Sexual Proclivities

PHOENIX, AZ—Rodney Granger, 46, a Phoenix-area father of three, drops frequent hints about his wife Sandy's sexual proclivities, his creeped-out children announced Monday.

Rodney and Sandy Granger with their three grossed-out children.

"Yesterday, we passed a sign on this supermarket loading dock that said 'Deliveries In The Rear.' Dad jabbed Mom, and they both started to laugh," said Andrew, the couple's 13-year-old son. "I acted like I didn't get it, but I got it all right. Apparently, Mom does, too."

According to Andrew's sister Erin, 11, the remark was far from atypical.

"On weekends, Dad and I sometimes go to the park to shoot hoops," Erin said. "Last Saturday, Dad told me to go without him, saying, 'Your mom needs me to take care of some things at home.' Then he smiled in this really weird way. I did not need to know that."

Erin said she believes her father is unaware that she, Andrew, and even 8-year-old Rachel are able to pick up on much of his thinly veiled sexual innuendo.

"I didn't used to get what Dad was saying, but now I'm catching on more and more," Erin said. "I'm starting to miss those days when I didn't know what Dad meant by, 'Your mother doesn't get tired very easily,' or 'It's time to do some drilling.' Blech."

As the oldest child, Andrew said he better understands his father's comments than his sisters do. As a result, he tries to protect them.

"Sometimes, Rachel will ask me what Dad meant by some strange comment, like 'It's seed-planting time,'" Andrew said. "I'll say, 'He was talking about putting some tulips in the garden.' I can't let her know what sort of shit is going on in her own house."

Still, little Rachel is beginning to catch on to the racy double talk.

"On Mom's birthday, Dad told her she'd get her other present later," Rachel said. "Well, I know what that meant. That meant some sort of sex or something. Eww, nasty."

"They're always kissing in front of us, even Frenching," Andrew said. "How disgusting is that?"

Last week, on family board-game night, Rachel expressed her disgust with the open displays of affection. Her protestations, however, fell on deaf ears: Her father kissed her mother throughout the Pictionary contest, saying that he couldn't resist because she is "the best kisser in town." Granger then added, "Just ask your Uncle Kyle," provoking playful slaps from Sandy.

The Uncle Kyle remark, Erin explained, was an allusion to events of many years ago.

"I heard the story about how Dad stole Mom from his brother Kyle, who went on one date with her a long, long time ago, before Mom and Dad were ever married," Erin said. "But now I have to imagine Mom making out with Uncle Kyle. God, I want to puke."

Equally nauseous is Andrew.

"I spend a lot of time at my friend Danny's house, and his parents never touch each other at all," Andrew said. "Why are Mom and Dad still chasing each other around the table and tackling each other in piles of leaves on the front lawn? It completely makes me want to barf. If I grow up warped, it's so their fault."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close