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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Dad Keeps Dropping Hints About Mom's Sexual Proclivities

PHOENIX, AZ—Rodney Granger, 46, a Phoenix-area father of three, drops frequent hints about his wife Sandy's sexual proclivities, his creeped-out children announced Monday.

Rodney and Sandy Granger with their three grossed-out children.

"Yesterday, we passed a sign on this supermarket loading dock that said 'Deliveries In The Rear.' Dad jabbed Mom, and they both started to laugh," said Andrew, the couple's 13-year-old son. "I acted like I didn't get it, but I got it all right. Apparently, Mom does, too."

According to Andrew's sister Erin, 11, the remark was far from atypical.

"On weekends, Dad and I sometimes go to the park to shoot hoops," Erin said. "Last Saturday, Dad told me to go without him, saying, 'Your mom needs me to take care of some things at home.' Then he smiled in this really weird way. I did not need to know that."

Erin said she believes her father is unaware that she, Andrew, and even 8-year-old Rachel are able to pick up on much of his thinly veiled sexual innuendo.

"I didn't used to get what Dad was saying, but now I'm catching on more and more," Erin said. "I'm starting to miss those days when I didn't know what Dad meant by, 'Your mother doesn't get tired very easily,' or 'It's time to do some drilling.' Blech."

As the oldest child, Andrew said he better understands his father's comments than his sisters do. As a result, he tries to protect them.

"Sometimes, Rachel will ask me what Dad meant by some strange comment, like 'It's seed-planting time,'" Andrew said. "I'll say, 'He was talking about putting some tulips in the garden.' I can't let her know what sort of shit is going on in her own house."

Still, little Rachel is beginning to catch on to the racy double talk.

"On Mom's birthday, Dad told her she'd get her other present later," Rachel said. "Well, I know what that meant. That meant some sort of sex or something. Eww, nasty."

"They're always kissing in front of us, even Frenching," Andrew said. "How disgusting is that?"

Last week, on family board-game night, Rachel expressed her disgust with the open displays of affection. Her protestations, however, fell on deaf ears: Her father kissed her mother throughout the Pictionary contest, saying that he couldn't resist because she is "the best kisser in town." Granger then added, "Just ask your Uncle Kyle," provoking playful slaps from Sandy.

The Uncle Kyle remark, Erin explained, was an allusion to events of many years ago.

"I heard the story about how Dad stole Mom from his brother Kyle, who went on one date with her a long, long time ago, before Mom and Dad were ever married," Erin said. "But now I have to imagine Mom making out with Uncle Kyle. God, I want to puke."

Equally nauseous is Andrew.

"I spend a lot of time at my friend Danny's house, and his parents never touch each other at all," Andrew said. "Why are Mom and Dad still chasing each other around the table and tackling each other in piles of leaves on the front lawn? It completely makes me want to barf. If I grow up warped, it's so their fault."

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