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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

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VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Dad Keeps Dropping Hints About Mom's Sexual Proclivities

PHOENIX, AZ—Rodney Granger, 46, a Phoenix-area father of three, drops frequent hints about his wife Sandy's sexual proclivities, his creeped-out children announced Monday.

Rodney and Sandy Granger with their three grossed-out children.

"Yesterday, we passed a sign on this supermarket loading dock that said 'Deliveries In The Rear.' Dad jabbed Mom, and they both started to laugh," said Andrew, the couple's 13-year-old son. "I acted like I didn't get it, but I got it all right. Apparently, Mom does, too."

According to Andrew's sister Erin, 11, the remark was far from atypical.

"On weekends, Dad and I sometimes go to the park to shoot hoops," Erin said. "Last Saturday, Dad told me to go without him, saying, 'Your mom needs me to take care of some things at home.' Then he smiled in this really weird way. I did not need to know that."

Erin said she believes her father is unaware that she, Andrew, and even 8-year-old Rachel are able to pick up on much of his thinly veiled sexual innuendo.

"I didn't used to get what Dad was saying, but now I'm catching on more and more," Erin said. "I'm starting to miss those days when I didn't know what Dad meant by, 'Your mother doesn't get tired very easily,' or 'It's time to do some drilling.' Blech."

As the oldest child, Andrew said he better understands his father's comments than his sisters do. As a result, he tries to protect them.

"Sometimes, Rachel will ask me what Dad meant by some strange comment, like 'It's seed-planting time,'" Andrew said. "I'll say, 'He was talking about putting some tulips in the garden.' I can't let her know what sort of shit is going on in her own house."

Still, little Rachel is beginning to catch on to the racy double talk.

"On Mom's birthday, Dad told her she'd get her other present later," Rachel said. "Well, I know what that meant. That meant some sort of sex or something. Eww, nasty."

"They're always kissing in front of us, even Frenching," Andrew said. "How disgusting is that?"

Last week, on family board-game night, Rachel expressed her disgust with the open displays of affection. Her protestations, however, fell on deaf ears: Her father kissed her mother throughout the Pictionary contest, saying that he couldn't resist because she is "the best kisser in town." Granger then added, "Just ask your Uncle Kyle," provoking playful slaps from Sandy.

The Uncle Kyle remark, Erin explained, was an allusion to events of many years ago.

"I heard the story about how Dad stole Mom from his brother Kyle, who went on one date with her a long, long time ago, before Mom and Dad were ever married," Erin said. "But now I have to imagine Mom making out with Uncle Kyle. God, I want to puke."

Equally nauseous is Andrew.

"I spend a lot of time at my friend Danny's house, and his parents never touch each other at all," Andrew said. "Why are Mom and Dad still chasing each other around the table and tackling each other in piles of leaves on the front lawn? It completely makes me want to barf. If I grow up warped, it's so their fault."

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