adBlockCheck

Dad Navigates Reduced-Rate Travel Websites Like Mozart Composing Symphony

Top Headlines

Recent News

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Dad Navigates Reduced-Rate Travel Websites Like Mozart Composing Symphony

Like Mozart effortlessly penning the first aria in 'The Magic Flute', Kirrane books an American Airlines flight.
Like Mozart effortlessly penning the first aria in 'The Magic Flute', Kirrane books an American Airlines flight.

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Exhibiting the nimble precision and unrivaled genius of the 18th-century Viennese prodigy, local father Michael Kirrane, 54, navigated several discount travel websites Friday evening in a staggering display of talent reminiscent of Mozart himself, sources reported.

Delicately maneuvering the mouse along his desktop as though striking the first chord of the "Coronation" Concerto on an ornate fortepiano, Kirrane reportedly began by opening an Internet Explorer browser window to serve as the staves upon which he would orchestrate his newest masterpiece.

"I usually go to Expedia first, since they have a lot of good deals," said Kirrane, who deftly moved through various itinerary dates as though effortlessly penning arpeggios with a plumed quill. "Don't forget to check flights to the smaller airports. They're less hassle and also sometimes cheaper."

"Always buy on Tuesdays or Wednesdays so you can get the lowest prices," the virtuoso deal finder continued, accelerating to a molto allegro pace of beautifully accented mouse clicks. "And never buy on Saturdays or Sundays. That's basically throwing money away."

As the great Viennese maestro himself was to a harpsichord, so is Kirrane to a wide variety of discount travel websites.

Just as Mozart once interwove woodwinds, brass, and strings to create his transcendent Symphony No. 25 in G minor, sources confirmed Kirrane negotiated six different tabs of travel websites on his browser to arrange a grand yet elegantly simple trip, creating shimmering crescendos of departure times, whimsical trills of airline preferences, and sweeping glissandos of one-stop flights sorted by price.

At one point, in a demonstration of skill and subtlety that could only be explained as a gift from God Himself, the husband and father of two is said to have simultaneously compared three different flight packages on Priceline.com, achieving a sublime balance akin to that of a lively and masterful piano trio.

"I found a flight to Portland for $190 a few months ago on Kayak," Kirrane said as he seemingly plucked airline deals out of thin air, smoothly transitioning from one to the next in a breathtaking legato that could move even the most stoic bargain hunter to tears. "They have a lot of cheap last-minute flights on there."

The first signs of Kirrane's extraordinary gift were made evident in 2001, when, on a visit to Orbitz.com, he breezily crafted a $370 round trip to Denver for his oldest son Jonathan, exhibiting the raw talent of a 5-year-old Mozart playfully yet maturely running his fingers along the ivory keys of a clavier.

Just 10 months later, Kirrane used Hotwire.com to compose an immaculate vacation to San Diego, complete with reduced-rate hotel stay and car rental, in what would become the Don Giovanni of his burgeoning canon of awe-inspiring deals.

"Those $90 upgrades for priority check-in and boarding are a rip-off," said Kirrane, whose intuitive understanding of travel sites would reportedly be impossible to attain through practice alone, requiring that uncanny touch of genius known only to true masters. "Gotta watch out for those baggage fees, too."

While narrowing his flight options, Kirrane took a stray piece of paper and, as Mozart once scrawled the notes of an enchanting sonata by candlelight 250 years earlier, wrote down several deals by hand for a final comparison. Then, with his cursor hovering over the "Complete Booking" button like a raised baton about to impart the emphatic cadence of the "Jupiter" Symphony's final movement, Kirrane concluded his latest triumph.

Sources reported that following the culmination of his work in American Airlines flight 841 to Fort Lauderdale, including a two-hour layover in Georgia that saved $120, the maestro went downstairs and poured himself a glass of iced tea.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close