adBlockCheck

Dad Navigates Reduced-Rate Travel Websites Like Mozart Composing Symphony

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Streaming

Holidays

Dad Navigates Reduced-Rate Travel Websites Like Mozart Composing Symphony

Like Mozart effortlessly penning the first aria in 'The Magic Flute', Kirrane books an American Airlines flight.
Like Mozart effortlessly penning the first aria in 'The Magic Flute', Kirrane books an American Airlines flight.

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Exhibiting the nimble precision and unrivaled genius of the 18th-century Viennese prodigy, local father Michael Kirrane, 54, navigated several discount travel websites Friday evening in a staggering display of talent reminiscent of Mozart himself, sources reported.

Delicately maneuvering the mouse along his desktop as though striking the first chord of the "Coronation" Concerto on an ornate fortepiano, Kirrane reportedly began by opening an Internet Explorer browser window to serve as the staves upon which he would orchestrate his newest masterpiece.

"I usually go to Expedia first, since they have a lot of good deals," said Kirrane, who deftly moved through various itinerary dates as though effortlessly penning arpeggios with a plumed quill. "Don't forget to check flights to the smaller airports. They're less hassle and also sometimes cheaper."

"Always buy on Tuesdays or Wednesdays so you can get the lowest prices," the virtuoso deal finder continued, accelerating to a molto allegro pace of beautifully accented mouse clicks. "And never buy on Saturdays or Sundays. That's basically throwing money away."

As the great Viennese maestro himself was to a harpsichord, so is Kirrane to a wide variety of discount travel websites.

Just as Mozart once interwove woodwinds, brass, and strings to create his transcendent Symphony No. 25 in G minor, sources confirmed Kirrane negotiated six different tabs of travel websites on his browser to arrange a grand yet elegantly simple trip, creating shimmering crescendos of departure times, whimsical trills of airline preferences, and sweeping glissandos of one-stop flights sorted by price.

At one point, in a demonstration of skill and subtlety that could only be explained as a gift from God Himself, the husband and father of two is said to have simultaneously compared three different flight packages on Priceline.com, achieving a sublime balance akin to that of a lively and masterful piano trio.

"I found a flight to Portland for $190 a few months ago on Kayak," Kirrane said as he seemingly plucked airline deals out of thin air, smoothly transitioning from one to the next in a breathtaking legato that could move even the most stoic bargain hunter to tears. "They have a lot of cheap last-minute flights on there."

The first signs of Kirrane's extraordinary gift were made evident in 2001, when, on a visit to Orbitz.com, he breezily crafted a $370 round trip to Denver for his oldest son Jonathan, exhibiting the raw talent of a 5-year-old Mozart playfully yet maturely running his fingers along the ivory keys of a clavier.

Just 10 months later, Kirrane used Hotwire.com to compose an immaculate vacation to San Diego, complete with reduced-rate hotel stay and car rental, in what would become the Don Giovanni of his burgeoning canon of awe-inspiring deals.

"Those $90 upgrades for priority check-in and boarding are a rip-off," said Kirrane, whose intuitive understanding of travel sites would reportedly be impossible to attain through practice alone, requiring that uncanny touch of genius known only to true masters. "Gotta watch out for those baggage fees, too."

While narrowing his flight options, Kirrane took a stray piece of paper and, as Mozart once scrawled the notes of an enchanting sonata by candlelight 250 years earlier, wrote down several deals by hand for a final comparison. Then, with his cursor hovering over the "Complete Booking" button like a raised baton about to impart the emphatic cadence of the "Jupiter" Symphony's final movement, Kirrane concluded his latest triumph.

Sources reported that following the culmination of his work in American Airlines flight 841 to Fort Lauderdale, including a two-hour layover in Georgia that saved $120, the maestro went downstairs and poured himself a glass of iced tea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close