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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Dad Not Going To Pay Someone To Fix Marriage When He Can Do It Himself

FREDERICK, VA—Scoffing at the idea of letting some so-called expert charge him an arm and a leg, local father Dave Gordin told reporters Wednesday that he is fully capable of fixing his marriage himself. “I’ve got pretty much everything I need to patch this thing up right here at home,” said Godin, adding he could always run out to the bookstore for any relationship guides he might need to get the marriage back up and running smoothly. “These phony professionals are just going to rip you off, and half the time they leave your marriage in worse shape than it was before. It’s usually just a small issue with communication anyway, so I’ll just open up emotionally and it’ll be good as new. It’s nothing I can’t knock out in a week or two.” At press time, a frustrated Godin was beginning to wonder if it might be easier to just scrap this marriage and go out and get a new one.

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