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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Dad Not Going To Pay Someone To Fix Marriage When He Can Do It Himself

FREDERICK, VA—Scoffing at the idea of letting some so-called expert charge him an arm and a leg, local father Dave Gordin told reporters Wednesday that he is fully capable of fixing his marriage himself. “I’ve got pretty much everything I need to patch this thing up right here at home,” said Godin, adding he could always run out to the bookstore for any relationship guides he might need to get the marriage back up and running smoothly. “These phony professionals are just going to rip you off, and half the time they leave your marriage in worse shape than it was before. It’s usually just a small issue with communication anyway, so I’ll just open up emotionally and it’ll be good as new. It’s nothing I can’t knock out in a week or two.” At press time, a frustrated Godin was beginning to wonder if it might be easier to just scrap this marriage and go out and get a new one.

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