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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Dad Reaches Age Where It's No Longer Enjoyable To Make Fun Of How Old He Is

ALEXANDRIA, LA—Area father John Siefkes has officially reached an age at which it is no longer possible to take pleasure in jokes about how he has passed his prime, family sources reported Saturday. "I used to razz him whenever we'd play tennis by saying, 'Looks like your eyesight is going, old timer!'" son Christopher Siefkes said while watching his father fumble with a can opener in the kitchen. "But now that he has severe glaucoma and truly debilitating arthritis, what am I supposed to do, make fun of him? It's not funny. It's sad." The younger Siefkes then opened a beer, sat down at the table, and contemplated his own tenuous grasp on mortality.

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