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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Dad Reaches Age Where It's No Longer Enjoyable To Make Fun Of How Old He Is

ALEXANDRIA, LA—Area father John Siefkes has officially reached an age at which it is no longer possible to take pleasure in jokes about how he has passed his prime, family sources reported Saturday. "I used to razz him whenever we'd play tennis by saying, 'Looks like your eyesight is going, old timer!'" son Christopher Siefkes said while watching his father fumble with a can opener in the kitchen. "But now that he has severe glaucoma and truly debilitating arthritis, what am I supposed to do, make fun of him? It's not funny. It's sad." The younger Siefkes then opened a beer, sat down at the table, and contemplated his own tenuous grasp on mortality.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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