After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Dad Receives Advance Intelligence On Visiting Son’s New Eyeliner

BUFFALO, NY—Providing sufficient time for him to strategize and make necessary preparations ahead of his son Brendan’s arrival, area father Thomas Glidewell reportedly received a highly sensitive communiqué Thursday providing advance intelligence that the college sophomore would be wearing eyeliner upon his visit home for the weekend. “When you pick Brendan up at the bus station, he’s probably going to be wearing eyeliner, and maybe some black nail polish,” said 23-year-old daughter Claire Glidewell during a confidential telephone briefing on the situation, citing credible reports from well-placed sources at Fredonia State University as well as a recon mission that turned up photos of her younger brother taken at recent campus parties and posted to Facebook. “That’s just a thing he’s doing now. Thought you’d want to know.” According to sources, the urgent last-minute bulletin was designed to avert a repeat of the family’s last major intelligence failure, when the elder Glidewell was completely blindsided by his son’s lip ring at Thanksgiving and responded with a hasty, ineffective, and ultimately disastrous counterassault.

After Birth

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