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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Dad Recounts Amazing Story Of How, Through Quick Thinking, He Saved $4.27

SANTA FE, NM—Before a spellbound audience consisting of his wife, his two daughters, and the family cat, area dad Larry Schroeder described in gripping detail Tuesday how he just barely managed to save $4.27 at the local Wal-Mart. "So I'm sitting in the car, literally turning the key in the ignition, when it hits me," said Schroeder, pausing briefly for effect. "They charged me for the free teeth-whitening stuff, even though I bought three tubes of Crest like the coupon said. Thank God I remembered to keep the receipt." At press time, Schroeder had further awed family members by producing the very receipt from his wallet and pointing to where the manager had initialed to authorize the refund.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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