adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dad Recounts Amazing Story Of How, Through Quick Thinking, He Saved $4.27

SANTA FE, NM—Before a spellbound audience consisting of his wife, his two daughters, and the family cat, area dad Larry Schroeder described in gripping detail Tuesday how he just barely managed to save $4.27 at the local Wal-Mart. "So I'm sitting in the car, literally turning the key in the ignition, when it hits me," said Schroeder, pausing briefly for effect. "They charged me for the free teeth-whitening stuff, even though I bought three tubes of Crest like the coupon said. Thank God I remembered to keep the receipt." At press time, Schroeder had further awed family members by producing the very receipt from his wallet and pointing to where the manager had initialed to authorize the refund.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close