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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Dad Returns From Business Trip With Exotic Gifts From Idaho

ATHENS, GA—Following a business trip to the distant and mysterious land of Idaho, area sales representative Gary Chichester has returned home from the three-day sojourn bearing exotic gifts for his family, sources confirmed Sunday. “Behold, a lord’s ransom in magnificent spoils!” said the 43-year-old merchant traveler, presenting his wife with a delicate ceramic mug bearing the legend “Idaho: The Gem State,” a receptacle of the kind used for the consumption of coffee by inhabitants of the remote and alluring region. “And for you, my dearest children, these finely woven cotton vestments emblazoned with arcane Idahoan markings and with colorful etchings of an edible garden vegetable known to natives there as a ‘potato.’” Chichester then reportedly proceeded to uncork a vial of Crazy Rick’s Idaho Hot Sauce, a spiced distillation of the purest jalapeño and vinegar rarely attainable outside the Boise Airport.

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