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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Dad Suggests Arriving At Airport 14 Hours Early

CARLISLE, MA—Planning for his family’s Saturday evening flight to Florida, local dad Walter Holbrook suggested arriving at the airport at least 14 hours early, sources confirmed. "The plane leaves at 6:45 at night, and it takes a little while to park the car and get through security, so we should plan to get there no later than 4:45 a.m.," said Holbrook, adding that it would probably be smart to add an extra "eight to nine hours" to the car commute in case of traffic. "That should give us more than enough time to print our boarding passes, check in luggage, and get settled at the gate. Then we’ll have 10 hours to get food if anyone’s hungry.” At press time, Holbrook had reportedly revised the arrival time to 3:45 a.m. "just to be safe."

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