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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Dad Thinks Son Has What It Takes To Become Embittered Alcoholic Minor League Journeyman

NORMAN, OK—Watching the 11-year-old play shortstop for his Little League team, local father Mark Garrett reported Wednesday that he thinks his son, Nathan, has what it takes to become an embittered alcoholic journeyman in the minor leagues. “If he keeps working hard every day, I know Nathan has the talent to spend a few years bouncing around farm system teams while gradually developing a serious drinking problem,” said Garrett, adding that his son clearly has the arm strength and raw athleticism to spend half a decade growing increasingly bitter and self-destructive as he plays in front of only a few hundred spectators every game. “There’s no doubt in my mind that he could get all the way to Triple-A, screw up his shoulder, and drink away the rest of his life while resenting every choice he ever made. I just need to stay on top of him to make sure he gets there.” Garrett added that with enough determination, his son might eventually even grow estranged from his family before he turns 30.

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