After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Dad Thought He Could Make It Out Of Zoo Without Buying Kids Light-Up Shit

CLEVELAND—Making his way toward the facility’s parking lot Thursday with nearly $40 in battery-operated purchases, local father Nick Kelsey conceded to reporters he was incorrect in his belief that he could make it out of the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo without buying his kids any light-up shit. “I went in figuring I’d have to get them each a Chipwich and maybe a balloon animal, but definitely not any of that plastic light-up junk,” said Kelsey, 42, who explained he had envisioned himself and his family making it through the various animal enclosures and getting back to the car with at most a plush toy, not three glow necklaces and wands that flash multiple colors. “Boy, I was wrong on that one. Why do they even sell this light-up crap here? This is a zoo.” As of press time, every one of the light-up items was wedged underneath the Kelsey family car’s passenger seat.

After Birth

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