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Fatherhood

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Dad Announces Plan To Honk When He’s Out Front

BRUNSWICK, OH—Announcing his intentions to pick up his 13-year-old daughter at 6:30 sharp, local dad Phil Cobb clearly and concisely outlined his plan to honk when he’s out front, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Area Family Has No Idea Where Dad Gets Shirts

SHERIDAN, WY—Saying he must get them somehow but that his means of procurement remained a mystery, the children of area father Don Griffith, 42, confirmed Friday they have no idea where he gets his shirts.
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Fatherhood

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, is far scarier when he tries to control his temper. “There’ve been plenty of times when he totally loses it and ends up slamming his fists on the table or yelling right at us, but somehow this is way worse,” Jeff Russell, 16, said after witnessing his father develop a bulging vein on the side of his neck while straining to lower the volume of his voice and contort his face into an expression of composure, a display his sister agreed was far more frightening than seeing him shout numerous profanities. “You think he’s finally going to snap, but instead he just keeps building up anger until there are a few beads of sweat on his forehead. Honestly, it would be a huge relief for everyone if he just let it out and threw something at the wall.” At press time, the elder Russell had said through gritted teeth that he needed a moment to gather his thoughts and calmly stepped out of the room, leaving everyone at the breakfast table in complete terror.

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