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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, is far scarier when he tries to control his temper. “There’ve been plenty of times when he totally loses it and ends up slamming his fists on the table or yelling right at us, but somehow this is way worse,” Jeff Russell, 16, said after witnessing his father develop a bulging vein on the side of his neck while straining to lower the volume of his voice and contort his face into an expression of composure, a display his sister agreed was far more frightening than seeing him shout numerous profanities. “You think he’s finally going to snap, but instead he just keeps building up anger until there are a few beads of sweat on his forehead. Honestly, it would be a huge relief for everyone if he just let it out and threw something at the wall.” At press time, the elder Russell had said through gritted teeth that he needed a moment to gather his thoughts and calmly stepped out of the room, leaving everyone at the breakfast table in complete terror.

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