Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Dad’s Eyes Well Up At Sight Of Perfectly Packed Cooler

LURAY, VA—Beaming with pride after he slotted the final turkey sandwich into place, local dad Steve Fowler’s eyes reportedly welled up Friday at the sight of a perfectly packed cooler for the family’s weekend trip to the beach. “All the heavy stuff is at the bottom, the beer and soda bottles are neatly organized and surrounded by ice packs, and everything is ideally positioned for an even chill,” said the misty-eyed father of three, who reportedly wiped away a tear as he ran his hand around the rim to verify that none of the contents would obstruct the lid from closing. “This is all going to be ice-cold when we open it. It’s beautiful. I mean, it’s just beautiful.” At press time, the tight roll-up and compact stowage of the family’s beach towels in the car trunk reportedly gave Fowler goose bumps.

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