Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship

NEW YORK—Saying that he doesn’t like to let dust and clutter pile up for too long, area man Justin Buntz informed reporters Wednesday that he gives his one-bedroom apartment a thorough cleaning once every relationship.

Department Of Interior To Clean Nation's Filter

40 Million Tons Of Gunk Clogging Up Country

WASHINGTON—Interior Secretary Ken Salazar announced Tuesday that a maintenance crew would begin work this week cleaning the nation's filter in order to remove the estimated 40 million tons of gunk, crud, and muck currently clogging up the country.
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Dad’s Eyes Well Up At Sight Of Perfectly Packed Cooler

LURAY, VA—Beaming with pride after he slotted the final turkey sandwich into place, local dad Steve Fowler’s eyes reportedly welled up Friday at the sight of a perfectly packed cooler for the family’s weekend trip to the beach. “All the heavy stuff is at the bottom, the beer and soda bottles are neatly organized and surrounded by ice packs, and everything is ideally positioned for an even chill,” said the misty-eyed father of three, who reportedly wiped away a tear as he ran his hand around the rim to verify that none of the contents would obstruct the lid from closing. “This is all going to be ice-cold when we open it. It’s beautiful. I mean, it’s just beautiful.” At press time, the tight roll-up and compact stowage of the family’s beach towels in the car trunk reportedly gave Fowler goose bumps.

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