After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Dad’s Previously Unheard-Of Friend Dies

MISSOULA, MT—Bringing up the name out of the blue for the first time ever, local father John Novak revealed Monday that a previously unheard-of friend of his had died. “I just found out Doug passed away, so I’m gonna be out of town later this week and probably be back on Saturday,” said Novak to his daughter Alisha, who at that very moment was learning her father’s friend not only existed but that the relationship was intimate enough to justify traveling to New Mexico for a funeral. “Your mother may or may not come along. She really didn’t know him back then.” At press time, the conversation had ended with Novak revealing few details about his friend apart from the fact that they once lived together along with another unknown person named Marty, whom Novak said he was actually much closer with.

After Birth

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