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Dad’s Tough Exterior Hides Angry, Resentful Center

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After Birth

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

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PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

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WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

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Dad’s Tough Exterior Hides Angry, Resentful Center

SAGINAW, MI—Sources close to local father Wayne Abrams confirmed Thursday that, while his tough exterior might initially fool casual observers, the 45-year-old’s gruff demeanor actually conceals a deeply angry and resentful center. “Sure, Dad seems all strong and tough on the outside, but underneath that is a simmering rage that he doesn’t always show people,” said Abrams’ eldest daughter Bethany, 16, who added that her father is “really mean and hurtful when you get to know him.” “He comes off a little cold at first, but it’s kind of funny because it’s nowhere near as cruel and spiteful as he truly is deep down. You just have to wait for him to share his hateful side with you. And trust me, if you hang around long enough, you’ll really be amazed at how despicable he can be.” Abrams added that her mother’s chipper exterior concealed an even more bitter and resentful core than her father’s.

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