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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Dad’s Tough Exterior Hides Angry, Resentful Center

SAGINAW, MI—Sources close to local father Wayne Abrams confirmed Thursday that, while his tough exterior might initially fool casual observers, the 45-year-old’s gruff demeanor actually conceals a deeply angry and resentful center. “Sure, Dad seems all strong and tough on the outside, but underneath that is a simmering rage that he doesn’t always show people,” said Abrams’ eldest daughter Bethany, 16, who added that her father is “really mean and hurtful when you get to know him.” “He comes off a little cold at first, but it’s kind of funny because it’s nowhere near as cruel and spiteful as he truly is deep down. You just have to wait for him to share his hateful side with you. And trust me, if you hang around long enough, you’ll really be amazed at how despicable he can be.” Abrams added that her mother’s chipper exterior concealed an even more bitter and resentful core than her father’s.

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