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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Daily Meditation Really Helping Man Stay Self-Centered

ELLENSBURG, WA—Claiming that the introspective practice has completely changed his life, local man Simon Trimur told reporters Wednesday that his daily meditation routine was really helping him stay self-centered. “Practicing meditation every morning allows me to settle down and really focus on myself,” said Trimur, claiming that just 15 minutes of breathing exercises before work has markedly improved his ability to silence the distracting voices of those around him and foster an enduring sense of egotism. “Before I know it, the needs and wants of others melt away entirely. The weight of their problems just disappears, and all that remains is the peaceful sense that the universe is made for no one but me.” Trimur added that after skipping even a day or two of meditation, he suddenly finds himself infuriatingly distracted by the fact that other people exist.

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