After Birth

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Daily Spin Class Only Thing Keeping Mom From Driving Car Full Of Kids Into Ocean

WALNUT CREEK, CA—Explaining that her workouts at Flywheel Sports always leave her feeling balanced and reenergized, local mother of three Karen Madison told reporters Monday that her daily spin class was the only thing keeping her from driving a car full of her children right into the Pacific Ocean. “I’m stuck in this house all day long, and I swear, if I don’t have my five o’clock spinning session, I will load the kids into the van and drive it straight off a dock,” said the 37-year-old, who added that just one hour of intense cardio with her instructor allows her to sweat away any stress that would cause her to speed her Honda through barriers along the waterfront and not stop until the vehicle was submerged under 10 feet of seawater. “I can be having the worst week, but once I’m in there spinning alongside [friends] Janet and Kathy, all my anxieties, and bad mood, and impulses to strap the boys into the backseat and plunge into a deep body of water just completely melt away. I don’t know what I’d do without those classes.” Madison added that the 30 minutes of yoga she performs each week in the family’s living room also provide her with the mental clarity she needs to not slowly poison her husband to death.

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