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Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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Dalai Lama Decks Photographer In Disco Melee

NEW YORK—An angry and visibly intoxicated Dalai Lama was arrested early this morning after assaulting a photographer outside the newly revamped Studio 54 discotheque in Manhattan.

The Dalai Lama was arrested on assault and battery charges after punching and kicking a <I>New York Post</I> photographer outside Studio 54. Shouted the enraged Buddhist: "You want to eat camera, picture boy?"

Charged with assault and battery, the Buddhist leader, whose real name is Gejong Tenzin Gyatso, was released on $1,500 bail. The incident marked his third brush with the law in as many weeks.

According to witnesses, the Precious Sovereign, 61, who had been drinking heavily all evening, punched and kicked New York Post photographer Mike Pallas several times after Pallas attempted to take his picture exiting the famed disco.

"As soon as he saw that camera, he just went off," said bouncer Todd Gehr, who was guarding the exit at the time. "I grabbed him by his saffron prayer robe and pulled him off [Pallas]. He tried chanting for a minute, but then more flashbulbs started popping, and he completely lost it again."

Witnesses say that instead of backing down, Pallas made the mistake of ridiculing the central belief of Lamaist Buddhism—namely that, through reincarnation, the same soul has occupied the bodies of 14 successive rulers.

"That did it," Studio 54 patron Larry Hoffman said. According to Hoffman, the Dalai Lama then yanked Pallas' camera away and wielded it threateningly at him, shouting, "You like picture? You want to eat camera, picture boy?"

The Dalai Lama spent seven hours in a Queens, NY, jail cell before being released on $1,500 bail.

Signs of trouble came hours earlier, when the 14th religious and temporal ruler of Tibet shouted repeated requests for "Bush! I want to hear plenty more Bush!" When the club DJ responded by playing KC and the Sunshine Band's "Shake Your Booty," the monk threw a shotglass through the control booth and invited the DJ to "step outside and kiss the five fingers of enlightenment."

In addition to the charges against him, the Dalai Lama was cited for resisting arrest. At first, he refused to give his real name, claiming to be "the protector, the emanation and the presence on earth of Chen-re-zi," the Buddhist personification of divine compassion. "And if you not believe," he added, "you let me out of these cuffs and you get one-way ticket to Nirvana plenty quick."

When asked where he was born, he responded, "In 1936 in Chhija Nangso, Tibet... and also in 1876 in Lhasa, Tibet... and also in Nai-tung, Tibet—" before being gagged and taken away.

Two weeks ago, the Tibetan leader was arrested for driving while intoxicated, though his lawyer maintained his client's high spirits were due solely to a "very satisfying night of meditation." Last Friday, he was stopped in his 1994 Lexus by a New Jersey state trooper for "making gestures to a police official that had no connection with the Noble Eightfold Path." Both times he was released on bail.

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