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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Dale Earnhardt Jr. Sick Of Everyone Assuming He's A Good Driver

CHARLOTTE, NC—After blowing the lead in the the Coca-Cola 600 by running out of fuel on the final lap to finish seventh, Dale Earnhardt Jr. expressed his frustration with his fans and the NASCAR establishment alike, bemoaning their inability to realize that he is not very good at racing cars. "I haven't won in over a hundred races, for God's sake, and it's not because I wasn't trying," said Earnhardt, who noted that his last win was in the LifeLock 400 on June 15, 2008, and which he claims he "didn't even deserve." "I get to be on good teams, for some reason, and I've had some big breaks, but I really shouldn't be as popular as I am. I think it might be my name." Earnhardt then repeated, for what he said was the "millionth time in [his] career," that he was not in fact his father, Dale Earnhardt, Sr., the phenomenally talented stock-car racer who died in February 2001.

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