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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Dale Earnhardt Jr. Sick Of Everyone Assuming He's A Good Driver

CHARLOTTE, NC—After blowing the lead in the the Coca-Cola 600 by running out of fuel on the final lap to finish seventh, Dale Earnhardt Jr. expressed his frustration with his fans and the NASCAR establishment alike, bemoaning their inability to realize that he is not very good at racing cars. "I haven't won in over a hundred races, for God's sake, and it's not because I wasn't trying," said Earnhardt, who noted that his last win was in the LifeLock 400 on June 15, 2008, and which he claims he "didn't even deserve." "I get to be on good teams, for some reason, and I've had some big breaks, but I really shouldn't be as popular as I am. I think it might be my name." Earnhardt then repeated, for what he said was the "millionth time in [his] career," that he was not in fact his father, Dale Earnhardt, Sr., the phenomenally talented stock-car racer who died in February 2001.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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