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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Dallas Cowboys Halftime Show Features Execution Of Texas Prisoner

ARLINGTON, TX—Marking the Cowboys’ season opener against the Giants in traditional fashion, Dallas fans were reportedly treated to a thrilling halftime show Sunday night that featured the execution of a Texas state prisoner. “That was the best halftime show I’ve seen in years—there was this awesome light show with Toby Keith’s ‘American Ride’ playing over the sound system while a priest administered the last rites,” said 46-year-old Cowboys fan Alan Kierstead, adding that he especially enjoyed when Cowboys cheerleaders formed the shape of a skull around the stage and performed an elaborate dance routine before the convicted felon was injected with a lethal dose of pentobarbital. “My favorite part was when he finally went limp and all those fireworks shot up from the top of the stadium. I just wish I were one of those lucky people on the field who got to watch it close-up.” Delighted fans also told reporters that the halftime execution was far better than any other such event at Texas Stadium, noting that the view of the inmate’s last breath was much better on the venue’s state-of-the-art 72-foot-tall LED jumbotron.

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