adBlockCheck

Dallas Cowboys Halftime Show Features Execution Of Texas Prisoner

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Dallas Cowboys Halftime Show Features Execution Of Texas Prisoner

ARLINGTON, TX—Marking the Cowboys’ season opener against the Giants in traditional fashion, Dallas fans were reportedly treated to a thrilling halftime show Sunday night that featured the execution of a Texas state prisoner. “That was the best halftime show I’ve seen in years—there was this awesome light show with Toby Keith’s ‘American Ride’ playing over the sound system while a priest administered the last rites,” said 46-year-old Cowboys fan Alan Kierstead, adding that he especially enjoyed when Cowboys cheerleaders formed the shape of a skull around the stage and performed an elaborate dance routine before the convicted felon was injected with a lethal dose of pentobarbital. “My favorite part was when he finally went limp and all those fireworks shot up from the top of the stadium. I just wish I were one of those lucky people on the field who got to watch it close-up.” Delighted fans also told reporters that the halftime execution was far better than any other such event at Texas Stadium, noting that the view of the inmate’s last breath was much better on the venue’s state-of-the-art 72-foot-tall LED jumbotron.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close