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Damaged Women's Coalition Releases Statement

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

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CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Damaged Women's Coalition Releases Statement

The Damaged Women's Coalition released this statement denying that they marched on the Capitol Friday at 2 a.m. Another statement is expected to be released from the DWC also denying that they broke the windows at the offices of the Younger, Thinner, Self-Assured Women's Coalition after Congress invited the YTSAWC to participate in an upcoming two-day summit on marriage to be held in the Adirondacks.

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