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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Dan Dierdorf Provides In-Depth Analysis Of Player’s Shoe Falling Off

CHARLOTTE, NC—CBS color commentator Dan Dierdorf provided detailed analysis of a player’s shoe falling off during the Jets-Panthers game Sunday, speaking on the subject for several minutes as he determined the factors that caused the cleat to become detached from the foot. “A shoe just popped off, right at the 25-yard line, and it’s still on the ground, lying motionless,” said Dierdorf, who methodically scrutinized several angles of the broadcast footage in slow motion, establishing “that guy’s shoe fell off during the play.” “Wow, unbelievable. If you look closely, it appears that a teammate stepped on his left heel and it comes loose. And the guy keeps going without a shoe.” At press time, Dierdorf was sharing an anecdote about a shoe falling off during his playing days with the St. Louis Cardinals as the Panthers scored a touchdown.

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