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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Dan Fogelberg Fails To Soothe Area Lite 108 Listener

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Detroit radio station Lite 108's claim of being "the station you relax at work with" proved false Monday, when M&I Marketing employee and Lite 108 listener Dean Claussen failed to be soothed by Dan Fogelberg's "Run For The Roses." "Where the hell is the media audit for the 26-40 demographic?" an angry Claussen shouted at co-worker Ira Geist despite the gentle, restful waves of Fogelbergian sound emanating from a radio less than five feet away. "How on Earth do you expect me to draw up a fucking proposal for the Mita Copier account without those numbers?" Linda Bahnsen, a representative for Lite 108, apologized for the station's failure to relax Claussen and urged him to continue turning on the Lite in the future.

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