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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Dan Marino Squeezes Harder And Harder During Congratulatory Handshake With Peyton Manning

MIAMI—During a post-Super Bowl handshake between former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino and MVP Peyton Manning, the Colts quarterback reported that Marino gradually increased the pressure of his grip to the point where, by the end of the 10-second exchange, it was as if Marino was attempting to hurt Manning rather than congratulate him. "At first he was smiling and telling me how great he thought I played, but as the grip got firmer, he started talking through clenched teeth about how lucky I was to win a Super Bowl," Manning said, adding that the more Marino's grip increased, the less sincere his comments seemed. "Towards the end [of the handshake], he was just glaring at me, saying, 'I would kill to be you right now.'" Manning said that the handshake finally ended when the "crazy" look in Marino's eyes eventually disappeared.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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