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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Dan Patrick Assumed More People Would Be At Craig Kilborn's Birthday Party

LOS ANGELES—Following Craig Kilborn's 47th birthday party last Monday, former ESPN colleague Dan Patrick told reporters he was surprised at the celebration's low turnout, saying he was sure there would be more than six attendees at the event. "It definitely looked like Craig was expecting more people," said Patrick, adding that sports anchor Charlie Steiner didn't even show up. "There was a spread of food that could have easily served 60 guests, and tons of unopened bottles of champagne. Maybe I got there too late or left too early?" Patrick said that he took his cue to go home when an intoxicated Kilborn asked if anyone could tell him "just what the fuck it is I do for a living because I sure as shit don't know."

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