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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
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Dan Patrick Assumed More People Would Be At Craig Kilborn's Birthday Party

LOS ANGELES—Following Craig Kilborn's 47th birthday party last Monday, former ESPN colleague Dan Patrick told reporters he was surprised at the celebration's low turnout, saying he was sure there would be more than six attendees at the event. "It definitely looked like Craig was expecting more people," said Patrick, adding that sports anchor Charlie Steiner didn't even show up. "There was a spread of food that could have easily served 60 guests, and tons of unopened bottles of champagne. Maybe I got there too late or left too early?" Patrick said that he took his cue to go home when an intoxicated Kilborn asked if anyone could tell him "just what the fuck it is I do for a living because I sure as shit don't know."

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