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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Dancing Wild Man Strikes Again, Badly Shaken Bar-Goers Report

CALMAR, IA—With manic grunts, crazed undulations, and an utter disregard for the personal space of others, the dancing wild man once again appeared without warning Tuesday at Calmar's popular nightspot the Horseshoe, leaving scores of patrons disturbed and disoriented. "I was just standing there when 'Friends In Low Places' came on the jukebox, and bam, there he was," said Jamie McAbee, describing her third encounter in five weeks with the mysterious gyrating figure. "The next thing I know, he's waving his arms all over the place and knocking a beer out of my hand. It was horrible." At press time, the dancing wild man was seen violently bobbing his head at Roscoe's Pub.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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