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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Dancing Wild Man Strikes Again, Badly Shaken Bar-Goers Report

CALMAR, IA—With manic grunts, crazed undulations, and an utter disregard for the personal space of others, the dancing wild man once again appeared without warning Tuesday at Calmar's popular nightspot the Horseshoe, leaving scores of patrons disturbed and disoriented. "I was just standing there when 'Friends In Low Places' came on the jukebox, and bam, there he was," said Jamie McAbee, describing her third encounter in five weeks with the mysterious gyrating figure. "The next thing I know, he's waving his arms all over the place and knocking a beer out of my hand. It was horrible." At press time, the dancing wild man was seen violently bobbing his head at Roscoe's Pub.

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