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Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Dane Cook Parlays New Burger King Menu Item Into Hour-Long HBO Special

LOS ANGELES—Building upon his previous Burger King–related work, comedian Dane Cook announced plans Monday to tape an hour-long HBO stand-up special devoted entirely to the Texas Double Whopper, the latest menu offering from the fast-food giant.

The Cookster

"Bro, I got a solid 15 [minutes] on the name alone," said Cook on the "Danecast" video weblog feature on his MySpace page. "I'm still working out the kinks, but I'm probably gonna call it the 'T-Dubs' or maybe the 'Spicy Dub-Whops.'"

Cook said that the new burger, which substitutes jalapeño peppers and mustard for the original Double Whopper's mayonnaise and ketchup, has inspired him to "new creative heights." The routine came to the popular comic "in a flash" as he watched a Burger King TV spot for the sandwich during ESPN's World Series Of Poker.

Last week, HBO signed Cook to produce, write, and star in the special tentatively titled Dane Cook: Burgasm for an unprecedented $25 million, the highest amount the cable network has ever paid to a comedian for a one-time-only, fast-food-themed performance.

"When Dane told us what he had in mind, we couldn't sign off on it fast enough," HBO's Chairman and CEO Chris Albrecht said. "We love working with Dane. He's a truly energetic talent, and we're sure that whatever he comes up with, people will watch."

Cook introduces a 15-minute section on alcoholism and french fries during a 2005 performance.

Cook said he completely scrapped all of his old fast-food material and, in his usual diligent way, spent several weeks creating hours of new Texas Double Whopper jokes, then "painfully" pared down the act to what he described on MySpace as "what you might call 'completely off the fucking hook.'"

"I'll ease the audience in by calling [the Texas Double Whopper] a 'sangwich,' and Burger King the 'BK Lounge,' but then I'll hit them with both barrels and call it the 'BK Lounge sangwich,'" Cook said. "You can expect me to pace some, then squat, then probably growl like I'm hungry, and say 'Huuuungry!' And to really hit it home, I'll climb up on the stool, howl, kick the stool over, and dive to the ground and do the worm. It looks totally spontaneous, but it's all carefully choreographed, and that's the beauty of it."

"I mean, the fucking thing has jalapeños on it, bro," Cook added. "Jalapeños."

Last month, Cook tested the new material in small comedy clubs across the country, trying out different inflections and pitches on newly created Cook-isms for soft-drink dispensers as well as gauging audience response to iterations of the word "dude."

"Stand-up comedy is an art form—it's not just writing and telling jokes," Cook said. "It requires your whole body and soul to gesticulate wildly and yell the same things about sesame seeds and mustard over and over at the audience in different voices until they laugh."

"And if there's a camera present, stand-up is an art form that's about putting your face as close as possible to that camera and screaming at it," Cook continued.

The 'Spicy Dub-Whops.'

The taping is scheduled to take place in mid-April at Madison Square Garden. Plans are underway to erect a state-of-the-art hamburger-shaped set, and install nearly two dozen wide-screen TV monitors that will capture every subtle change in Cook's facial expressions as he performs for eager fans.

"I'm gonna need all that shit when I launch into my 20-minute bit about ketchup packets," Cook said. "That's when I really start running around. And screaming, bro."

While Cook revealed that he will wear a new white T-shirt, leather wristband, and a pair of specially designed jeans, and has promised to pepper his performance with several crowd-pleasing callbacks to the most "pivotal" cheese and pickle jokes, he declined to disclose any further details.

"I want all my fans to be surprised, but I will say that a significant portion of [the special] will focus on the time when the dude I ordered from at the BK Lounge looked at me all like, 'Pfffffffft,'" said Cook, contorting his face into a cross-eyed, puckered grimace. "Swear to fucking God, bro, 'Pfffffffft!' Just like that!"

"Bro, 'Pfffffffft!'" Cook said.

Cook refused to comment on rumors that he has modified his "Superfinger"—an obscene gesture he invented in which both the middle and ring fingers are extended—to incorporate several additional fingers that mimic the action of holding a burger while simultaneously stimulating a woman's clitoris.

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