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Dangerous Mutated Strain Of Fernandomania Discovered In Rural China

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Dangerous Mutated Strain Of Fernandomania Discovered In Rural China

SICHUAN PROVINCE, CHINA—According to reports from world health officials, farmers across a rural district of China are contracting what is believed to be a particularly deadly form of Fernandomania, the baseball-watching scourge previously thought to have been eradicated in the mid- 1980s. "We don’t want to say this will be a pandemic, but if we don’t get help to this region soon, the whole world might soon be wearing tight-fitting blue-scripted uniform tops," said World Health Organization director-general Margaret Chan, cautioning that the disease is still localized and has not yet caused people going to Dodger games to arrive on time or stay until the final out. "We especially advise Latinos, people amused by the jolly antics of fat athletes, and those easily awed by a wicked screwball to take special precautions to avoid contracting this. Considering Fernando Valenzuela hasn’t pitched in the majors in 15 years, this strain must be extremely hardy." It is unclear if the mutation could once again make the disease a threat to the people of Los Angeles, who were devastated by a catastrophic outbreak of Fernandomania in the 1980s and until recently believed Dodger Fever had been totally eradicated.

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