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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Dangerous Mutated Strain Of Fernandomania Discovered In Rural China

SICHUAN PROVINCE, CHINA—According to reports from world health officials, farmers across a rural district of China are contracting what is believed to be a particularly deadly form of Fernandomania, the baseball-watching scourge previously thought to have been eradicated in the mid- 1980s. "We don’t want to say this will be a pandemic, but if we don’t get help to this region soon, the whole world might soon be wearing tight-fitting blue-scripted uniform tops," said World Health Organization director-general Margaret Chan, cautioning that the disease is still localized and has not yet caused people going to Dodger games to arrive on time or stay until the final out. "We especially advise Latinos, people amused by the jolly antics of fat athletes, and those easily awed by a wicked screwball to take special precautions to avoid contracting this. Considering Fernando Valenzuela hasn’t pitched in the majors in 15 years, this strain must be extremely hardy." It is unclear if the mutation could once again make the disease a threat to the people of Los Angeles, who were devastated by a catastrophic outbreak of Fernandomania in the 1980s and until recently believed Dodger Fever had been totally eradicated.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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