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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Danica Patrick Flooded With Fan Mail From Nation's Inspired Little Girl

PHOENIX—Following her historic 8th-place finish at the Daytona 500 last weekend, NASCAR driver Danica Patrick confirmed Thursday that she has been inundated with thousands of letters from the country’s inspired little girl. “I’m thrilled to be a role model for the young woman who aspires to one day become a professional driver like myself, but unfortunately I just don’t have the time to get to all the mail from her,” said Patrick, who in the last day alone received over 200 handwritten letters from the adolescent girl in America she has influenced to pursue racing. “Even though I don’t have enough time to respond to every letter, I greatly appreciate and try to read every single note from my fan. I’ve sent back as many signed headshots as I can to the return address, but the letters just keep coming in. It’s amazing and of course very humbling.” At press time, Patrick had just received another shipment of 130 letters from her admiring young supporter, as well as an additional 17,000 from various middle-aged men across the nation.

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