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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Danica Patrick Lauded For Breaking Down Barriers For Attractive Women

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Having secured pole position at the 55th Annual Daytona 500 this Sunday, stock car racer Danica Patrick reportedly has drawn universal praise for smashing social barriers on behalf of stunningly beautiful women everywhere. “In reaching this latest milestone, Danica has once more shown that no challenge is too great for a young, gorgeous female,” said ESPN racing columnist David Newton of the winsome, well-proportioned NASCAR driver, who in addition to her feats on the racetrack is widely regarded as one of the most alluring women in professional sports. “Demonstrating that she can both compete with and even surpass her male peers, Danica is living proof that there is no obstacle a good-looking woman cannot overcome. Her continued success sends an important message to little girls around the world that, provided they believe in themselves and are gorgeous, they can achieve their dreams.” Newton confirmed that if Patrick takes the checkered flag at Daytona, it would be the most significant symbolic victory since 2004, when Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s win at the race proved once and for all that privileged white men who come from NASCAR families can do anything.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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