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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Danica Patrick Lauded For Breaking Down Barriers For Attractive Women

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Having secured pole position at the 55th Annual Daytona 500 this Sunday, stock car racer Danica Patrick reportedly has drawn universal praise for smashing social barriers on behalf of stunningly beautiful women everywhere. “In reaching this latest milestone, Danica has once more shown that no challenge is too great for a young, gorgeous female,” said ESPN racing columnist David Newton of the winsome, well-proportioned NASCAR driver, who in addition to her feats on the racetrack is widely regarded as one of the most alluring women in professional sports. “Demonstrating that she can both compete with and even surpass her male peers, Danica is living proof that there is no obstacle a good-looking woman cannot overcome. Her continued success sends an important message to little girls around the world that, provided they believe in themselves and are gorgeous, they can achieve their dreams.” Newton confirmed that if Patrick takes the checkered flag at Daytona, it would be the most significant symbolic victory since 2004, when Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s win at the race proved once and for all that privileged white men who come from NASCAR families can do anything.

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