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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Daredevil Produce Manager to Attempt Largest-Ever Plum Display

The world holds its breath this morning as Jim Pobinsky, a produce department manager for the Star Foods supermarket in Omaha, NE, prepares to create the largest display of plums in modern grocery history.

Star Foods produce manager Jim Pobinsky consented to an interview a mere day before he attempts to run the fruit gauntlet, stacking two full pallets of plums on top of each other.

“We’ve got two full pallets of plums coming in on the truck at 10. That’s a lot of plums,” says Pobinsky, in a tense interview a mere day before he runs the fruit gauntlet.

The attempt has garnered a huge public response, not unlike Evil Knievel’s famed cycle jump across the Grand Canyon in 1975, except this time it’s not crossing a canyon, it’s stacking plums. The estimated five-foot pile, to be fashioned in a roughly pyramidal shape, is expected to dazzle a whole store full of anxious spectators watching on location while they shop.

“It’s really not that big a deal,” Pobinsky says with characteristic modesty. “You should have seen the new floor waxer we got in last week. That was exciting.”

Developed over 16 years in the produce business, all of Pobinsky’s fruit piling skills will be required to pull off the feat. Lightning-fast hand-eye coordination, complex geometric calculations and sheer brute strength will serve as Pobinsky’s weapons in his struggle for plum order and harmony. The produce manager must be operating at 100% to defeat the fruit, which is only too ready to roll off the table and plunge his department into chaos.

“I hope I can finish the display before noon, so I can freshen up the greens section before taking off for lunch,” Pobinsky says.

However, if Pobinsky is too hasty, or lets his concentration slip for a moment, his chance at ever-lasting grocery super-stardom will come crashing down—along with the plum pile that would have made him a legend in both the fruit and vegetable aisle and the neighboring deli and meats section.

Donna Laban, Pobinsky’s wife and Star Foods’ grocery samples coordinator, is understandably nervous for her husband’s safety in this high-stakes game of produce display brinkmanship.

“I always remind him to lift with his legs, not his back,” Laban says. “Some of those boxes can be heavy, especially if the plums are ripe and juicy, engorged with delicious nectar.”

Laban also stated that, if necessary, she would leave her samples post by the meat department in order to provide moral support during his heroic effort.

“We’re going to have cocktail wieners on toothpicks. If you come in tomorrow, you should try one,” she says, adding but a second later, “They’re free.”

Pobinsky had responded quickly to nature’s challenge, preparing in advance for the plum onslaught.

“I read in last month’s American Produce Journal that rainfall was heavy in many plum-producing areas. I knew then that we’d most likely have plenty of plums in a few weeks,” Pobinsky says. “So I saved a lot of cardboard boxes to stack around the plum table, to widen the actual base so all those plums could fit.”

Tim Wiegens, 17, a produce stocker under Pobinsky’s supervision, will play a supporting role in the daredevil manager’s fruit-stacking gambit.

“I’ll basically be opening the boxes with an X-acto knife, and Mr. Pobinsky will do the actual stacking,” Wiegens says. “I tried to do a nectarine table by myself once, but I messed it up pretty bad. Mr. Pobinsky took me into the cooler and yelled at me.”

In a final statement before proceeding home to prepare for his moment of glory, Pobinsky asked his millions of supporters worldwide to come in tomorrow and witness his chance at immortality within the world of produce display engineering.

“Don’t forget, plums are 99 cents a pound all this week at the store,” he says. “That’s a special price that will last until this Friday.”

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