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Darfur, IA Also In Pretty Bad Shape

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Darfur, IA Also In Pretty Bad Shape

DARFUR, IA—Residents of Darfur, IA reached out to the international press today, in an attempt to bring greater attention to the problems suffered by the rural Midwestern town. While Darfur locals readily empathize with the atrocities occurring in the identically named region of Sudan, many believe that short shrift has been given to the unique issues they face as a struggling farm community. "Sure, there aren't any Janjaweed militiamen tearing through here, raping and murdering women and children, but have you seen the sinkholes on Main Street?" said barber Gerald Pitkin, who later added that a drought the previous summer, while not comparable to taking refuge from murderers in the unforgiving Sahara Desert, had been tough on the local economy. "How about a little relief for us? This 12 percent unemployment rate isn't going to fix itself, you know." The Darfur community board recently organized a benefit carnival with the neighboring town of Tibet in an effort to bring more international attention to their terrible groundwater runoff situation.

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