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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Darfur, IA Also In Pretty Bad Shape

DARFUR, IA—Residents of Darfur, IA reached out to the international press today, in an attempt to bring greater attention to the problems suffered by the rural Midwestern town. While Darfur locals readily empathize with the atrocities occurring in the identically named region of Sudan, many believe that short shrift has been given to the unique issues they face as a struggling farm community. "Sure, there aren't any Janjaweed militiamen tearing through here, raping and murdering women and children, but have you seen the sinkholes on Main Street?" said barber Gerald Pitkin, who later added that a drought the previous summer, while not comparable to taking refuge from murderers in the unforgiving Sahara Desert, had been tough on the local economy. "How about a little relief for us? This 12 percent unemployment rate isn't going to fix itself, you know." The Darfur community board recently organized a benefit carnival with the neighboring town of Tibet in an effort to bring more international attention to their terrible groundwater runoff situation.

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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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