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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Daryl Johnston Admits He Doesn’t Feel Comfortable Being Alone In Booth With Kenny Albert

DALLAS—Describing him as both “creepy” and “kind of a weirdo,” Fox NFL color commentator Daryl Johnston admitted Wednesday that he does not feel comfortable being alone in the broadcast booth with play-by-play partner Kenny Albert. “Whenever there’s a pause in the action, all I’m thinking about is how badly I want to get the hell out of there,” said Johnston, adding that he was disconcerted by Albert slowly rocking back and forth while licking his lips and emitting small giggles at seemingly random intervals during every commercial break.“There’s something off about him. Occasionally, without warning, he’ll move over close enough so that our thighs are just touching, and then he’ll stare straight ahead with this big dumb grin on his face. It’s really unsettling.” Johnston added that he is equally disturbed by Albert’s unwavering insistence that they book adjoining hotel rooms.

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