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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Daryl Johnston Admits He Doesn’t Feel Comfortable Being Alone In Booth With Kenny Albert

DALLAS—Describing him as both “creepy” and “kind of a weirdo,” Fox NFL color commentator Daryl Johnston admitted Wednesday that he does not feel comfortable being alone in the broadcast booth with play-by-play partner Kenny Albert. “Whenever there’s a pause in the action, all I’m thinking about is how badly I want to get the hell out of there,” said Johnston, adding that he was disconcerted by Albert slowly rocking back and forth while licking his lips and emitting small giggles at seemingly random intervals during every commercial break.“There’s something off about him. Occasionally, without warning, he’ll move over close enough so that our thighs are just touching, and then he’ll stare straight ahead with this big dumb grin on his face. It’s really unsettling.” Johnston added that he is equally disturbed by Albert’s unwavering insistence that they book adjoining hotel rooms.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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