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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Date Invites Woman Upstairs To Check Out Red Flags

COLUMBUS, OH—Following an evening spent out at a local brewpub, area man Patrick Fitzgerald took the initiative Wednesday night to invite local woman Alicia Powell up to his apartment to see his glaring red flags, sources confirmed. “Let me give you the tour,” the 29-year-old said, opening the front door of his residence to reveal a living space full of such egregious warning signs as a framed hockey jersey, dozens of empty plastic liquor bottles atop his cabinets, and two and a half years of Maxim back issues. “It’s not that much, but the price is right. Here, have a seat on my futon [that also serves as a bed].” In spite of the many cautionary signals visible in Fitzgerald’s apartment, Powell reportedly decided to stay overnight anyway, as Fitzgerald either hadn’t noticed or didn’t care about her own obvious red flags of texting throughout their dinner conversation and the ankh tattoo on her wrist.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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