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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Date Of Apple Backlash Set For March 21, 2008

NEW YORK—In the face of Apple, Inc.'s 3- billionth iTunes sale and soaring stock price, some Wall Street forecasters are predicting that consumers will finally get fed up with the computer manufacturer's high retail prices and various product bugs sometime between March 20 and 22 of next year.

"At the current rate, we believe that at this time a sea change will occur in which people will look down at their glossy white or black devices and feel a sense of embarrassment and gullibility," Goldman Sachs analyst Steven Shore said. "They will realize that, despite all the sleek design, they got caught up in a wave of hype that made them shell out additional hundreds of dollars for options and features they didn't need. Until then, I would like to point out that my iPhone is awesome."

Apple has responded to the backlash rumors by announcing the late-October release of a mint green iPod in time for the holiday shopping season, a strategy that appears to have silenced naysayers at least temporarily.

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