Date Rapist Tossing His Mortarboard Into Air 3 Rows In Front Of You

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Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.
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Date Rapist Tossing His Mortarboard Into Air 3 Rows In Front Of You

AMHERST, MA—Moments after triumphantly pushing his tassel to the left side of his cap and erupting into applause with his classmates, a jubilant date rapist three rows in front of you reportedly tossed his mortarboard into the air in glee Wednesday, numerous sources confirmed. “Woohoo!” shouted the new graduate who sexually assaulted a sophomore female acquaintance in her dorm following a house party in November 2013, had his crime kept out of the public eye by top-ranking university authorities, and subsequently completed his college degree in the standard four years. “Class of ’14 rules! Yeah!” At press time, sources reported that the proud alum, who has a history of forcing young women into unwanted sexual situations without their consent, was beaming as he posed for pictures with professors and college officials.