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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Date Rapist Tossing His Mortarboard Into Air 3 Rows In Front Of You

AMHERST, MA—Moments after triumphantly pushing his tassel to the left side of his cap and erupting into applause with his classmates, a jubilant date rapist three rows in front of you reportedly tossed his mortarboard into the air in glee Wednesday, numerous sources confirmed. “Woohoo!” shouted the new graduate who sexually assaulted a sophomore female acquaintance in her dorm following a house party in November 2013, had his crime kept out of the public eye by top-ranking university authorities, and subsequently completed his college degree in the standard four years. “Class of ’14 rules! Yeah!” At press time, sources reported that the proud alum, who has a history of forcing young women into unwanted sexual situations without their consent, was beaming as he posed for pictures with professors and college officials.

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