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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Date Rapist Tossing His Mortarboard Into Air 3 Rows In Front Of You

AMHERST, MA—Moments after triumphantly pushing his tassel to the left side of his cap and erupting into applause with his classmates, a jubilant date rapist three rows in front of you reportedly tossed his mortarboard into the air in glee Wednesday, numerous sources confirmed. “Woohoo!” shouted the new graduate who sexually assaulted a sophomore female acquaintance in her dorm following a house party in November 2013, had his crime kept out of the public eye by top-ranking university authorities, and subsequently completed his college degree in the standard four years. “Class of ’14 rules! Yeah!” At press time, sources reported that the proud alum, who has a history of forcing young women into unwanted sexual situations without their consent, was beaming as he posed for pictures with professors and college officials.

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