Date’s Flaws Coming At Woman Faster Than She Can Rationalize Them

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Dating

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Breakup Survival Tips

Everyone goes through breakups, but learning how to deal with your feelings and find closure can help you get over your split in a healthy, productive way. Here are some tips for surviving your breakup and moving on from your relationship

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Boyfriend Plans Magical Evening Down To First Detail

MANSFIELD, OH—Having proposed that they spend a night out together, the boyfriend of local woman Cassandra Stephenson is said to have planned a magical evening for the two of them down to the very first detail, sources reported Tuesday.

Man Tinkering With Anecdote Set List Before Next Date

PORTLAND, OR—Saying that he wants to provide a unique, enjoyable listening experience that draws from all periods of his life, area man Ian Watts told reporters Wednesday that he has been tinkering with his set list of anecdotes ahead of an upcoming...

Man On Date Ready For Question About Siblings This Time

DURHAM, NC—Noting he had been caught off-guard by the question on first dates in the past, area 32-year-old Logan Firks told reporters Monday he is confident he will be ready to answer this time if the woman he is meeting for dinner asks about his s...

Date Invites Woman Upstairs To Check Out Red Flags

COLUMBUS, OH—Following an evening spent out at a local brewpub, area man Patrick Fitzgerald took the initiative Wednesday night to invite local woman Alicia Powell up to his apartment to see his glaring red flags, sources confirmed.

I Never Talk On The First Date

People are so impatient nowadays. Everyone's rushing to find someone, get married, settle down, and have kids. Call me old- fashioned, but I...

First Date In Six Months To Be Last Date In Six Years

ROSEBURG, OR—Although he is unaware of it, Jeff Schyler's date Friday will be his last until May 2011. "I'm so glad I finally got up the balls to ask out my friend's cute sister," said the 28-year-old, whose last date was in October. "I haven't been getting much action lately, but I have a really good feeling about this." Schyler plans to take his date to see Fever Pitch, hoping the romantic comedy will "get her in the mood," which it won't.

Oysters Have No Discernible Effect On Date

SEATTLE—According to Justin Grammling, 24, a close inspection of date Karen Stavers, who ate a six-oyster appetizer platter, indicated no marked increase in her libido. "Those things didn't do shit," Grammling said. "She didn't inch closer to me, or play footsie, or take her sweater off. I was keeping an eye on her, and her color didn't even rise." Grammling said he will fall back on Seduction Plan B: alcohol.

'Missed Connection' Ad Obviously Cheney

WASHINGTON, DC—In spite of its anonymity, a "missed connection" ad posted on the D.C.-area Craigslist Monday was clearly the work of Vice President Dick Cheney. "You: the attractive blonde from Newsweek," the ad read. "Me: stout, thinning hair, glasses, surrounded by Secret Service agents. Our eyes met as I was walking across the tarmac. I thought I felt a spark." The posting closed with the message, "Coffee? I'll grant you an exclusive."

Woman Begins To Regret Dating Someone Spontaneous

AUBURN, CA—After four months of romantic involvement, Wells Fargo mortgage lending assistant Heidi Bird, 27, said Monday that she is beginning to regret getting into a relationship with the carefree Jason Maddox.

I'm Not Sure If I Know How To Treat A Lady

There are a lot of ladies out there, but if you want to keep a good one, you have to know how to make her feel appreciated. A lady wants a man who acts strong and confident. That way, she knows she's with someone who's strong and confident. Then again, ladies probably don't like men who are cocky. So I guess you should be sensitive, too. Maybe being polite is the most important thing. Or maybe it's good to know how to dance, or how to wow her in the bedroom. I don't know. I guess, when it comes down to it, I'm not sure I know how to treat a lady.

Online-Dating Tips

More people are using computers to find that special someone. Here are some tips to help make your online-dating experience safe and fun:

Sheets Changed After Every Breakup

ITHACA, NY—Michael Pelske changes his bed sheets after every breakup, the 24-year-old bicycle messenger announced Monday. "I'd never bring some woman I just met home to a set of filthy sheets," said Pelske, who changed his sheets Saturday before hitting the bars following his break-up with Linda Keely, his girlfriend of four months. "But then, a few weeks into the relationship, you start to let things like that slide." Pelske's cotton-twill, 180-thread-count, light-blue sheets have been washed 13 times since his mother bought them for him in May 2001.

Short-Distance Relationship Too Much Work

GASTONIA, NC—After four months together, sales manager Jack Petrakis, 29, and paralegal Justine Froeger, 26, reported Tuesday that dating someone who lives in the same building isn't worth the hassle.

Woman Only Dates On National Television Now

HOLLYWOOD—After stints on Temptation Island, The Bachelor, and For Love Or Money, 23-year-old bartender/model Angela Langdon announced Monday that she refuses to date anyone who's not courting her in a front of a national TV audience. "Unless there's the promise of a million-dollar payday, a romantic evening in the tropics, or a humiliating rejection in front of all of America, I'm not interested," Langdon told potential suitors. "Come with cameras, or don't come at all." Langdon also expressed a preference for network shows over those in syndication.

Fat Couple's Love Like A Fat Flower

DECATUR, AL— The love shared by Gene West and Brenda Goslow, who together total nearly 600 pounds, is as precious as a heaving, bloated rose, friends of the Decatur couple report. "It's so inspiring to see two people lumber through life hand-in-hand," friend Alice Toffler said Monday. "Their love is like a big, beautiful, morbidly obese chrysanthemum. Or a new spring tulip that just can't lay off the Fritos."

Ugly Man With Huge Penis Unsure How To Get The Word Out

AUBURN, ME— Overweight and balding Ira Groff, 37, is unsure how to get the word out about his 11-inch penis. "In theory, I could fumble around in my wallet for something and then—whoops!—an extra-large condom falls out," the acne-scarred Groff said Monday. "But that would come off as staged." Groff has also pondered wearing tighter pants, leaving penile-reduction-surgery brochures around his workspace, or sporting a button that reads, "Ask Me About My Huge Cock."

Area Man Uses WTC Attack As Excuse To Call Ex-Girlfriend

DAYTON, OH—Despite being deeply shaken by the tragedy, Dayton resident Dan Marchand used the World Trade Center attack as an excuse to phone ex-girlfriend Stacy Frankel last Saturday. "I know we haven't talked in a long time, but I just wanted to call to make sure you were okay," Marchand told Frankel, who lives in nearby Xenia. "You know, just with all the crazy stuff that's been going on around the country and all." Frankel told Marchand it was "good to hear [his] voice again" but was unresponsive to his suggestion that they get together for coffee.

Plan To Get Laid At DragonCon 2001 Fails

CALHOUN FALLS, SC—Garry Melcher's plans to have sexual intercourse at last weekend's DragonCon 2001 were unsuccessful, the 27-year-old comic-book collector and science-fiction fan conceded Tuesday.

All Women Don't Know What They're Missing

It's a situation we've all been in before: You see a pretty woman in a bar, mall, grocery store, restaurant, library, laundromat, bowling alley, car dealership, post office, student union, tattoo parlor, or hospital. Smiling suavely, you move in and strike up a conversation using whatever means you have at hand. But every time, you somehow wind up striking out. It's happened to me, and I'm as eligible a bachelor as they come. These ladies would be lucky to land a guy like yours truly, but still they say no. I'm telling you, all women don't know what they're missing.

St. Jude Swears Off Ever Answering Another Personals Ad

HEAVEN–Exasperated after a string of bad dates, Catholic martyr St. Jude vowed Monday never to respond to another personals ad. "Man, talk about hopeless causes," the holy figure said. "Do I have a sign on my head saying, 'Losers of the world, contact St. Jude?' I mean, these were some big-time desperate cases." Jude added that, from now on, he will respond only to direct prayer delivered in a Roman Catholic Church.

Hilarious Love Letter Found In Street

"Oh, my God, check it out," said Eastern Michigan junior Trent Meijer, excitedly reading the letter to fellow junior Matt Sweeney. "'You are like a feather floating in a sudden spring shower.' How friggin' funny is that?"

I Think We Should Fuck Other People

Allison, this is very difficult to say, because I care so deeply about you. The moments we've shared together have been some of the happiest of my life. But I've given it a lot of thought lately, and I think we should fuck other people.

NS/ND/C/DWF Wondering Why She Can't Find Someone

MINNEAPOLIS–Susan Stenerud, a divorced, white, non-smoking, non-drinking Christian who has placed "countless" personals ads over the years, wondered aloud Monday why she can't find someone special. "All I want is to find a D/D-free NS/ND/C/SWM who shares my strong morals and doesn't waste his time going to bars and parties," the 32-year-old said. "For some reason, no men seem to respond to that description."

Man Breaks Out Dating Boxers

SUFFOLK, VA– Having secured a date for the first time in seven months, area resident Andrew Agee removed his dating boxers from the bottom of his dresser. "No tighty-whities for me tonight," said Agee, taking off a pair of dingy Fruit Of The Loom briefs and slipping on the blue Calvin Klein boxers with a small, understated white "CK" logo near the bottom of the right leg. "A girl might actually see me in my underwear." Agee added that if the date goes well and future encounters with the woman seem likely, he will purchase a three-pack of boxers.

Area Man's Mother Sizes Up New Girlfriend's Pelvic Span

STILLWATER, OK–During an evening social call Monday, Emily Dahlgren carefully sized up the pelvic span of her son Matt's new girlfriend, evaluating her potential as a vessel for future Dahlgrens. "Kimberly [Hearns] is a lovely girl with a healthy, stocky build and wonderfully sturdy hips," Dahlgren raved after meeting Hearns. "I'll bet she can make some real nice babies." Dahlgren said she also liked the fact that Hearns comes from a good family with no history of heart disease or diabetes.
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Dating

Sonicare

Date’s Flaws Coming At Woman Faster Than She Can Rationalize Them

Kowalski admits there were some personal faults, such as Layner fidgeting and casually swearing in conversation, which she simply never got around to explaining away.
Kowalski admits there were some personal faults, such as Layner fidgeting and casually swearing in conversation, which she simply never got around to explaining away.

WILMINGTON, DE—Over the course of their dinner Tuesday evening at a local bar and grill, area woman Melissa Kowalski, 27, reportedly faced a constant stream of her date’s personal flaws so swift and intense that she could not possibly rationalize them all.

Kowalski told reporters that throughout her 90-minute first date with 28-year-old digital media producer Colin Layner, she was unable to formulate the excuses and justifications necessary to keep pace with his rapidly emerging negative qualities, admitting that at numerous points she became completely overwhelmed by the unrelenting barrage of deficiencies in Layner’s behavior, background, career, general personality, and physical appearance.

“The second we stepped into the restaurant, I had to tell myself that not holding the door open for me just meant that he wasn’t caught up in old-fashioned gender norms, but from there, his shortcomings just never let up,” Kowalski said, describing the deluge of her date’s social missteps, character defects, and lackluster table manners that she had to negotiate throughout the meal. “Each flaw—from his tendency to talk over me to his poorly groomed facial hair—required time to process and then explain away, but they kept coming at me all night, sometimes three or four of them at once.”

“Honestly, I started losing track of all of his faults before our drinks even arrived,” Kowalski continued. “I was barely done convincing myself that his wheezing laugh is somewhat endearing when he got a little curt with our waiter, and I had to chalk that up to him having a rough day at work. It was just about impossible to keep up.”

Kowalski confirmed that she spent the vast majority of her time with Layner frantically attempting to come to terms with his numerous imperfections, each one of which, she explained, would typically have required an entire evening for her to excuse under normal circumstances. However, given the breakneck speed with which Layner’s flaws—from his evident dandruff to the fact that the majority of his anecdotes about himself revolved around drinking—were being unleashed, Kowalski said she could only give each a cursory rationalization before being compelled to move on to the next.

According to Kowalski, Layner began their conversation by mentioning that he hadn’t been on a date “in ages,” a statement she reportedly justified by speculating that his busy professional schedule prevented him from meeting many women. However, when he then immediately explained that he recently started a new job after being out of work for more than a year—which Kowalski attributed to the sluggish economy—she was forced to revise her thinking and assume that Layner hadn’t dated much because he may have just ended a long-term relationship.

“About halfway through dinner, I realized that even though I had spent the entire evening trying to get a handle on his flaws, I wasn’t even close to being caught up,” Kowalski said, pointing to Layner’s poor posture and how he barely asked any questions about her, both of which she was unable to find time to address. “It seemed like whenever I managed to justify one flaw, there were two more waiting for me to deal with. After a while, it all became a blur.”

“And when he casually mentioned that he was ‘not much of a reader,’ I had to push that out of my mind without ever coming back to it,” she continued. “At that point, I was just falling too far behind.”

Kowalski reported that the outpouring of flaws reached its greatest intensity at the meal’s conclusion, with nearly every action and sentence from Layner revealing some new and unexpected red flag. After briefly retreating to the bathroom to collect herself and resolve a few stray flaws that she hadn’t yet whitewashed, Kowalski reportedly decided to only attempt to make excuses for Layner’s smaller imperfections and made a mental note to remember his larger flaws until after the date, when she would have ample time to try to justify them.

“The end of dinner was the toughest stretch,” Kowalski said. “He assumed we would be splitting the check—which I accepted by noting it is actually pretty common these days—before leaving the waiter a 10 percent tip, so I had to give him the benefit of the doubt on that and trust that he simply miscalculated. And then, as we were leaving, he started typing on his phone while I was talking to him, so I had to assume he had just gotten an important work email, which seemed plausible until I remembered that a few minutes earlier I had gotten over the fact that he only works part-time by reminding myself that he probably doesn’t want to put his full effort into a job he doesn’t consider a long-term career. The whole thing got pretty exhausting.”

“Colin does seem like a good guy, though,” Kowalski continued after a short pause. “I’d say, yeah, I think we might end up being a good match, actually.”

When reached for comment, Layner confirmed that while he thought Kowalski was “very nice,” he would likely not go out with her again, as he found it difficult to look past the fact that she is several inches taller than him.