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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Dating Profile Flatly States Man Looking For Someone He Can Control

PHOENIX—Providing a brief summary of who he is and what he considers most important for a successful relationship, area man Todd Waterson’s OkCupid profile flatly states he is looking for someone he can control, sources confirmed this week. “I’m an adventurous, fun-loving guy who’s seeking a long-term relationship with a special woman I can psychologically and emotionally manipulate,” read Waterson’s profile in part, which went on to note that he is an IT professional who enjoys traveling and using an insidious blend of belittlement, neglect, and highly selective praise to keep his partner in a perpetual state of fear and uncertainty about her worth. “Sharing the same values matters a lot to me, so it’s important we see eye to eye on me being allowed to decide everything we do and dictating how you should conduct yourself at all times. My ideal match is someone who’s cute and becomes so worn down emotionally that she feels incapable of making a decision about whether she can go out, how much she can speak in social situations, and even what she can wear without my approval. If that sounds like you send me a message!” Waterson’s profile also stated that he would prefer somebody who wants kids and will shoulder the entire responsibility of raising them.

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