adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dating Profile Flatly States Man Looking For Someone He Can Control

PHOENIX—Providing a brief summary of who he is and what he considers most important for a successful relationship, area man Todd Waterson’s OkCupid profile flatly states he is looking for someone he can control, sources confirmed this week. “I’m an adventurous, fun-loving guy who’s seeking a long-term relationship with a special woman I can psychologically and emotionally manipulate,” read Waterson’s profile in part, which went on to note that he is an IT professional who enjoys traveling and using an insidious blend of belittlement, neglect, and highly selective praise to keep his partner in a perpetual state of fear and uncertainty about her worth. “Sharing the same values matters a lot to me, so it’s important we see eye to eye on me being allowed to decide everything we do and dictating how you should conduct yourself at all times. My ideal match is someone who’s cute and becomes so worn down emotionally that she feels incapable of making a decision about whether she can go out, how much she can speak in social situations, and even what she can wear without my approval. If that sounds like you send me a message!” Waterson’s profile also stated that he would prefer somebody who wants kids and will shoulder the entire responsibility of raising them.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close