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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Dating Profile Flatly States Man Looking For Someone He Can Control

PHOENIX—Providing a brief summary of who he is and what he considers most important for a successful relationship, area man Todd Waterson’s OkCupid profile flatly states he is looking for someone he can control, sources confirmed this week. “I’m an adventurous, fun-loving guy who’s seeking a long-term relationship with a special woman I can psychologically and emotionally manipulate,” read Waterson’s profile in part, which went on to note that he is an IT professional who enjoys traveling and using an insidious blend of belittlement, neglect, and highly selective praise to keep his partner in a perpetual state of fear and uncertainty about her worth. “Sharing the same values matters a lot to me, so it’s important we see eye to eye on me being allowed to decide everything we do and dictating how you should conduct yourself at all times. My ideal match is someone who’s cute and becomes so worn down emotionally that she feels incapable of making a decision about whether she can go out, how much she can speak in social situations, and even what she can wear without my approval. If that sounds like you send me a message!” Waterson’s profile also stated that he would prefer somebody who wants kids and will shoulder the entire responsibility of raising them.

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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

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