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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Dating Tips

The dating world can be a bewildering place. Here are some tips to help you navigate the perilous waters of love:

  • Ladies: Your date's salary divided by your own equals the base you should let him get to on the first date.
  • If you are overweight and socially awkward, consider "online dating." You can go on a dragonslaying adventure instead of to a movie, play games on instead of dancing, and masturbate instead of having real sex.
  • Do not bathe for several days prior to a date to get your pheromones good and strong.
  • Never date a married person, unless he or she is just about to leave his or her spouse and simply waiting for the right moment.
  • When planning a romantic candlelit dinner, the right music can create the perfect mood. Put on The Best Of Spike Jones to create a freewheeling, anything-goes atmosphere.
  • Maintain a casual, "Let's just have fun" attitude until the other person starts seeing someone else. Then let the tears and accusations fly.
  • Remember: There's only one way to console a widow.
  • To make a lasting impression on a first date, declare yourself his or her eternal soulmate and propose marriage.
  • Why don't you ask that Julie girl out? She's a lovely girl. You're practically 35, for God's sake. Fine, rip your mother's heart out.
  • If you are a princess being courted by a low-born but beloved suitor, be sure to elude the watchful eye of the lord high chamberlain.
  • Instead of going out tonight, punch yourself in the nuts three times and the heart twice. This will save you approximately $75.