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The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Dating Tips

The dating world can be a bewildering place. Here are some tips to help you navigate the perilous waters of love:


  • Ladies: Your date's salary divided by your own equals the base you should let him get to on the first date.
  • If you are overweight and socially awkward, consider "online dating." You can go on a dragonslaying adventure instead of to a movie, play games on Pogo.com instead of dancing, and masturbate instead of having real sex.
  • Do not bathe for several days prior to a date to get your pheromones good and strong.
  • Never date a married person, unless he or she is just about to leave his or her spouse and simply waiting for the right moment.
  • When planning a romantic candlelit dinner, the right music can create the perfect mood. Put on The Best Of Spike Jones to create a freewheeling, anything-goes atmosphere.
  • Maintain a casual, "Let's just have fun" attitude until the other person starts seeing someone else. Then let the tears and accusations fly.
  • Remember: There's only one way to console a widow.
  • To make a lasting impression on a first date, declare yourself his or her eternal soulmate and propose marriage.
  • Why don't you ask that Julie girl out? She's a lovely girl. You're practically 35, for God's sake. Fine, rip your mother's heart out.
  • If you are a princess being courted by a low-born but beloved suitor, be sure to elude the watchful eye of the lord high chamberlain.
  • Instead of going out tonight, punch yourself in the nuts three times and the heart twice. This will save you approximately $75.

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