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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Dave Matthews Not That Into Himself Anymore

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Dave Matthews, the 38-year-old singer and guitarist for the multi-platinum group The Dave Matthews Band, announced Tuesday that he is no longer into himself.

Dave Matthews

"I used to be a hardcore Dave Matthews fan," said Matthews on the porch of his Virginia home. "I had all my records and posters. I was so blown away by everything I did—especially my live performances. I remember me and my buddies used to drive for hours just to go to one of our shows."

Matthews, who formed the Dave Matthews Band in 1991, is perhaps best known for the hit songs "Crash Into Me" and "The Space Between."

"Me and my band are still okay, but I feel like I've grown out of us," Matthews said. "Back when I was in the college charts, we were about all I listened to, but I guess I'm at the point in my life where my music just doesn't speak to me."

Matthews admitted that most of his current Dave Matthews listening is confined to overhearing a hit single on a jukebox or PA system. However, while doing dishes last weekend, he tried listening to 1998's Before These Crowded Streets, an album he had not heard in over two years. The singer admitted that by the fourth track, he was barely even listening.

"It sounded like this sort of worldbeat background drone," Matthews said. "So I took it off and put on some Stevie Ray Vaughan instead."

"Rock music with a violin? I don't know," Matthews added. "Seemed cool once."

Although Matthews continues to attend every single performance of his band, and even his own solo appearances, he claims it's "more out of obligation" than out of passion for his music.

Matthews said that while he once felt exhilarated whenever his group launched into one of their famous prolonged jam sessions, he can now "barely sit through them." Said Matthews: "Lately, I try to vary my routine so I don't get bored on stage. Usually, if there's a long solo, I'll go get a beer or check out the T-shirts."

Matthews even feels isolated from fans with whom he once felt a strong bond, disparaging them as "lame." He also admits that the older he gets, the more out of place he feels around "kids in their Dave Matthews phase."

"I used to talk for hours about my music or spend a whole night in a DMB chatroom," Matthews said. "But now, the people at the shows seem like such geeks, standing there with their elaborate taping equipment. They're really, really young, too. What do I have in common with them? They're just a bunch of kids who need someone to look up to. Why would I look up to me? I'm so 1997."

Yet for all his disenchantment with the Dave Matthews Band, he'll still "probably check me out at Farm Aid in September." Added Matthews: "If I'm even playing there this year. I don't even know. Dave Matthews—that is to say, me—just isn't where I'm coming from anymore."

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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

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