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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Davey Gendelman Hits Puberty

WHITFORD, NJ—After several months of observation and interviews with nearly everyone in the young teen's life, an Onion investgation has conclusively determined that Whitford seventh grader David "Davey" Gendelman, 13, is presently undergoing the bodily changes that will slowly transform his awkward, boyish frame into that of a sexually mature adult.

Despite repeated denials from the transparently defensive Gendelman, members of his peer group told reporters that the Whitford native now experiences spontaneous erections throughout the day. The majority of these occur during third-period social studies class, in which he sits behind classmate Sarah Miller, also 13, and stares desperately at the bra straps visible under her tank top. Several handwritten poems discovered during a search of Gendelman's school locker identify Miller as the secret object of his budding affections.

When informed of her classmate's sexual interest in her underwear, Miller called Gendelman "perverted and gross."

The boy's penis, although still tiny compared to those of most boys his age, is becoming erect at other times as well, including in the hallway between classes, on the school bus, and at lunch, an analysis of school security-camera footage confirmed. Gendelman has been observed carrying textbooks and other objects directly in front of his midsection in an ineffective attempt to conceal his blood-engorged member from his peers.

Whitford Middle School nurse Kristin Price initially declined to comment on Gendelman's drastically changing body, citing confidentiality issues. However, notes obtained from Price's office revealed that the middle schooler visited her less than two weeks ago to ask a number of questions about the female reproductive system—a clear sign that hormones have begun to rage through his young body.

Gym class sources eagerly disclosed that the loner's "squeaky, childlike" voice now often cracks, and that Gendleman has recently developed body odor, leading to frequent instances of his "smelling nasty."

Though the signs of his puberty have become increasingly obvious, those closest to the 13-year-old were hesitant to speak to the news media about his transformation. His mother, Janice, had to be confronted with the results of a six-week examination of her family's laundry before admitting to reporters that the boy has begun to experience the nocturnal emissions of semen commonly known as "wet dreams."

Gendelman's father, Frank, expressed surprise when he was shown pictures of women exposing their vaginas and told that they were recovered using the browser history on his family's personal computer.

"Apparently, he doesn't know about the 'delete history' function," Frank Gendelman said. "He may be growing up, but he's still naïve in so many ways."

Interviews with more popular students in the school's locker room further confirmed Gendelman's budding pubescence. The larger boys revealed that despite "acting like a little baby all the time" and "playing basketball like a girl," Gendelman has finally sprouted a slight growth of "peach fuzz" on his genitalia—a trait that has even earned him the derisive and humiliating nickname "Peach Fuzz Gendelman" among his gym class peers.

Gendelman himself could not be reached for comment on this story, as he was locked in the family bathroom using the suction created after taking the top off of his mother's conditioner bottle, squeezing the air out of it, and placing his penis against the opening to simulate what he imagines oral sex to feel like.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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