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Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.

Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier.
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Davey Gendelman Hits Puberty

WHITFORD, NJ—After several months of observation and interviews with nearly everyone in the young teen's life, an Onion investgation has conclusively determined that Whitford seventh grader David "Davey" Gendelman, 13, is presently undergoing the bodily changes that will slowly transform his awkward, boyish frame into that of a sexually mature adult.

Despite repeated denials from the transparently defensive Gendelman, members of his peer group told reporters that the Whitford native now experiences spontaneous erections throughout the day. The majority of these occur during third-period social studies class, in which he sits behind classmate Sarah Miller, also 13, and stares desperately at the bra straps visible under her tank top. Several handwritten poems discovered during a search of Gendelman's school locker identify Miller as the secret object of his budding affections.

When informed of her classmate's sexual interest in her underwear, Miller called Gendelman "perverted and gross."

The boy's penis, although still tiny compared to those of most boys his age, is becoming erect at other times as well, including in the hallway between classes, on the school bus, and at lunch, an analysis of school security-camera footage confirmed. Gendelman has been observed carrying textbooks and other objects directly in front of his midsection in an ineffective attempt to conceal his blood-engorged member from his peers.

Whitford Middle School nurse Kristin Price initially declined to comment on Gendelman's drastically changing body, citing confidentiality issues. However, notes obtained from Price's office revealed that the middle schooler visited her less than two weeks ago to ask a number of questions about the female reproductive system—a clear sign that hormones have begun to rage through his young body.

Gym class sources eagerly disclosed that the loner's "squeaky, childlike" voice now often cracks, and that Gendleman has recently developed body odor, leading to frequent instances of his "smelling nasty."

Though the signs of his puberty have become increasingly obvious, those closest to the 13-year-old were hesitant to speak to the news media about his transformation. His mother, Janice, had to be confronted with the results of a six-week examination of her family's laundry before admitting to reporters that the boy has begun to experience the nocturnal emissions of semen commonly known as "wet dreams."

Gendelman's father, Frank, expressed surprise when he was shown pictures of women exposing their vaginas and told that they were recovered using the browser history on his family's personal computer.

"Apparently, he doesn't know about the 'delete history' function," Frank Gendelman said. "He may be growing up, but he's still naïve in so many ways."

Interviews with more popular students in the school's locker room further confirmed Gendelman's budding pubescence. The larger boys revealed that despite "acting like a little baby all the time" and "playing basketball like a girl," Gendelman has finally sprouted a slight growth of "peach fuzz" on his genitalia—a trait that has even earned him the derisive and humiliating nickname "Peach Fuzz Gendelman" among his gym class peers.

Gendelman himself could not be reached for comment on this story, as he was locked in the family bathroom using the suction created after taking the top off of his mother's conditioner bottle, squeezing the air out of it, and placing his penis against the opening to simulate what he imagines oral sex to feel like.

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