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David Beckham Announces He’s A Quitter

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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David Beckham Announces He’s A Quitter

PARIS—Following a storied 21-year career, global soccer icon David Beckham officially announced Thursday that, at the age of 38, he is a giant quitter. “It has been an incredible honor to represent so many amazing clubs throughout my career, as well as my country over 100 times,” said the quitter, who just gave up and took the easy way out after an illustrious career playing for Manchester United, Real Madrid, the Los Angeles Galaxy, AC Milan, and Paris Saint-Germain. “After winning six Premier League titles, two FA Cups, and two MLS championships, I feel very proud to [quit].” In addition, Beckham revealed that he couldn’t hack it as a professional soccer player, confirming that the 38-year-old is a pitiful excuse for an athlete who finally showed his true colors today.

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