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David Beckham Announces He’s A Quitter

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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David Beckham Announces He’s A Quitter

PARIS—Following a storied 21-year career, global soccer icon David Beckham officially announced Thursday that, at the age of 38, he is a giant quitter. “It has been an incredible honor to represent so many amazing clubs throughout my career, as well as my country over 100 times,” said the quitter, who just gave up and took the easy way out after an illustrious career playing for Manchester United, Real Madrid, the Los Angeles Galaxy, AC Milan, and Paris Saint-Germain. “After winning six Premier League titles, two FA Cups, and two MLS championships, I feel very proud to [quit].” In addition, Beckham revealed that he couldn’t hack it as a professional soccer player, confirming that the 38-year-old is a pitiful excuse for an athlete who finally showed his true colors today.

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