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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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David Beckham No Longer Allowed On Playing Field For Insurance Reasons

LOS ANGELES—L.A. Galaxy club officials said Monday that, under the terms of the insurance policy intended to protect their $250 million investment in star midfielder David Beckham, they would under no circumstances permit the high-priced Beckham to play soccer for them ever again. "We would have to be crazy to expose David to a hazard-filled game, situation, stadium, or even let him set foot in our potentially harmful training facilities," Galaxy head coach Frank Yallop said. "We have a quarter of a billion dollars invested in him, and our policy will not allow him to play in a game where physical contact, while rare, has been known to occur, as even a minor nagging injury could prevent Beckham from performing his primary duty of representing us in public." Galaxy executives addressed concerns that his wife Victoria will break him by announcing plans to encase Beckham in a protective block of Lucite, only taking him out for special promotional occasions.

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