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David Beckham No Longer Allowed On Playing Field For Insurance Reasons

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Finance

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

The Pros And Cons Of For-Profit Colleges

With studies showing that for-profit college degrees create more debt and no more added value for students, many are questioning the merits of these institutions. Here are the pros and cons of for-profit colleges

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.
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David Beckham No Longer Allowed On Playing Field For Insurance Reasons

LOS ANGELES—L.A. Galaxy club officials said Monday that, under the terms of the insurance policy intended to protect their $250 million investment in star midfielder David Beckham, they would under no circumstances permit the high-priced Beckham to play soccer for them ever again. "We would have to be crazy to expose David to a hazard-filled game, situation, stadium, or even let him set foot in our potentially harmful training facilities," Galaxy head coach Frank Yallop said. "We have a quarter of a billion dollars invested in him, and our policy will not allow him to play in a game where physical contact, while rare, has been known to occur, as even a minor nagging injury could prevent Beckham from performing his primary duty of representing us in public." Galaxy executives addressed concerns that his wife Victoria will break him by announcing plans to encase Beckham in a protective block of Lucite, only taking him out for special promotional occasions.

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